A WIGWAM FOR A GOOSE’S BRIDLE

Having lived all my life in country towns, I thought I had a solid collection of good old fashioned idoms and expressions. ‘I can’t, I’ve got a bone in my leg,’ is one example, used by my father when he’s asked to do something he’d rather not. ‘That wind would blow a sailor of your sister,’ is another. But when, for research purposes, I recently asked a group of Australians (via the wonderful Chat 10 Looks 3 Facebook community) to contribute more of these “dadisms” from their everyday lives or memories, I was flooded with thousands more. Many of them, like the wind example, are slightly on the nose and possibly deserve to die. But I felt I should collate them all, even the really offensive ones, which could find their place on the lips of an odious fictional character.

So I organised them as best I could. Along the way I had a lot of laughs and a few cringes. And I was able to make some observations about what appears to occupy our minds.

Firstly, we have myriad of ways to describe someone of questionable intellect, or isn’t very good at something. From, ‘useless as a chocolate teapot’ and ‘useless as a sore bum to a boundary rider’ to‘a blanket short of a swag’, or ‘daft as a brush’, we are very generous with applying our imaginations to criticism. Other verbose and poetic insults include, ‘you must be from the land of the broken biscuits’ and ‘you look like the wreck of the Hersperus.’

The fun continues with an abundance of ways to call someone ugly. ‘Head like a boarding house pudding’, ‘a face like a bum pushed through a cane chair’ or‘ugly as a hat full of rissoles’.

We are masters at embellishing our tellings off —‘If you kids don’t behave, I’ll rip your arms off, stick ‘em in your ears and ride you around like a bicycle’ — and genius at answering the perennial, ‘What’s for tea mum?’ ‘Bread and duck under the table’ or ‘hot tongue and cold shoulder’ are just two appetizing examples.  

On a more positive note, when describing the weather (which we love to do) there’s the delightful, ‘enough blue sky to make a sailor’s pants,’ or ‘it’s so windy I’ve seen a chook lay the same egg three times’.

There are endless more. Interestingly, the most common entry, sent in by at least twenty people, was ‘I’m off to make a wigwam for a goose’s bridle’, used when someone asks what you are doing when the answer is plain, or when you don’t want to say.

It’s all a minefield of family lore, nostalgia and humour. I’d like to resolve to try and keep the best of them alive, because strike me pink, it’d be a shame to lose them.

So anyway, here they all are – catalogued as best I can. Feel free to send me additions…      the more the merrier!

 

ADVICE / WORDS OF WISDOM

If wishes were horses then all men/beggars would ride.

The wind will change and you’ll stay looking like that forever.

Penny-wise and then you can afford to be pound-foolish.

Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.

Prevention and planning prevent piss-poor performance.

You come back dead and I’ll kill you.

If you can’t be good, be careful. (And if you can’t be careful, buy a pram).

He who asks never gets.

If you don’t ask you don’t want.

You can’t put a new engine in an old car.

Not all trees in the forest are the same.

Life is like a shit sandwich: the more bread you’ve got the less shit you have to eat.

You can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

Spit in one hand, wish on the other and see which gets filled first.

Why have a dog and bark yourself?

You can never trust a Campbell.

Wash up as far as possible, down as far as possible and then wash possible.

You may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Live your life so that even the undertaker will be sorry.

You don’t want to be the richest person in the cemetery.

Apple pie without the cheese is like a kiss without the squeeze.

Where there’s a will there’s a row.

 

ALL OVER IT

Like a rash.

Like a fat kid on a smartie.

Like a fat kid on a cupcake.

Like a seagull on a chip.

 

AMAZED

Gobsmacked.

Flabbergasted.

 

ANSWERING THE PHONE

Hello, Battersea Dog’s Home.

Curly’s woodyard Curly speaking.

Nothing today thanks.

Go ahead.

 

APPEARANCE 

You look like you’ve been pulled through a bush backwards.

You look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.

You look like you were rode hard and put up wet.

Your hair looks like a chook’s bum in a fit.

You look like a wild man from Borneo.

My hair looks like a birch broom in a fit.

Your lips are like petals – bicycle pedals.

Your ears are like flowers – cauliflowers.

Dressed up like a pox doctor’s clerk.

That outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.

That dress is so short you can see if her hat is on straight.

If skirts get much shorter, said the flapper with a sob; there’ll be two more cheeks to powder and a bit more hair to bob.

Heavens I can see his religion. (Tight pants.)

Your shoes need to have a party and invite your skirt down.

You look like a dying duck in a thunderstorm.

You look a bit how’s ya father.

Mutton dressed up as lamb.

Rough as guts.

Seen better legs on a table.

Oh you look swishmagandie.

You look like two pennith of God help us.

 

ARM

Warwick farm.

 

ATTRACTIVE

He can put his slippers under my bed anytime.

Swishmagandie.

 

BAD CHARACTER

He’d pinch the eye out of your needle, then swear it wasn’t there.

Like a rat with a gold tooth.

All fur coat and no knickers.

Nothing but a drongo.

Oxygen theives.

I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.

 

BAD DRIVING

Where’d you get your license – out of a Weeties packet?

He ain’t full yet! (Yelled out to a bad driver.)

Whatdya think this is – bushweek? Jeez.

Couldn’t drive nails into soft butter with a weak start and a sledgehammer in both hands.

 

BAD MUSIC

That sounds like a billy goat shitting on a tin.

He has a voice like a billy goat pissing on a tin.

I’d rather listen to a duck fart in long grass.

 

BAD SMELL

That would kill a brown dog.

 

BALDNESS

Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.

 

BEDTIME STORY

I’ll tell you a story, About Jack and his glory. Shall I Begin it? That’s all that’s in it.

 

BEHAVE YOURSELF

Off the table Mabel, the money’s for the beer.

Get off the table Mabel, the two bob’s for the beer.

If you kids don’t behave I’ll rip your arms off, stick ’em in your ears and ride you ’round like a bicycle.

Go and get that green stick over there – and I’ll flog you ’til the bark comes off.

I’ll set the dogs on you.

I’ll have your guts for garters.

Sit down you’re like a toilet seat at a mixed party.

Stop pissfarting around.

I’ll kick your bum ’til your nose bleeds.

I’ll bang your bloody heads together.

You’ll get the wooden spoon.

Pull up your socks.

You’re driving me up the wall and around the bend.

Tell a lie and you’ll get a black cross on your tongue.

You’re sailing very close to the wind.

You’re walking on very thin ice.

Stop pig-frigging.

I’ll run you through.

By the jiminy, I kill kids who muck up.

I’ll give you something to cry about.

I’ll have your guts for garters.

You’ll keep. (Not quite bad enough to warrant punishment.)

Mind your Ps and Qs.

Mind your Ps and thankQs.

It’ll all end in tears.

All fun and games until someone loses an eye.

I’ll kick you up the clacker with a pointy-toed shoe.

You need a swft kick.

Do you want a smack?

Do you want the wooden spoon?

Don’t make me get out of my chair.

Don’t make me say it again.

Stop your chi-lacking / shellacking.

 

BE QUIET

Shut your cake hole.

Shut your pie hole.

Shut your gob.

Shoosh up.

Shoosh your gob.

Open your eyes instead of your mouth.

Bag your head.

 

BETTER THAN

Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish.

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp / blunt / burnt stick.

 

BETTING

Bet your arse.

Bet London to a brick.

Bet your bottom dollar.

 

 

BLIND

Blind as a welder’s dog.

Are your eyes painted on?

A blind man galloping would be pleased to see it.

“I see,” said the blind man to his deaf son.

 

BLUNT KNIFE

You could ride to Bendigo on that.

 

BOGAN

Bogan

Westie

Chigger (Tasmania)

Hoy Polloy

C.O.Double M.O.N.

Plebs

 

BORED / BORING

Nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Boring as bat shit.

Only boring people get bored.

 

BROKEN

Had the Richard / Dick.

Seen better days.

It’s had the ferret.

It’s had the chook.

It’s had the gong.

 

BUSY

Busier than a one-armed brick layer in Bagdhad.

Up and down like a bride’s nightie.

Flitting about like a fart in a bottle.

Running around like a blue-arse fly.  (In a pickle bottle).

I feel like a muddle-headed wombat.

Falt out like a lizard drinking.

As busy as a one-armed paper hanger with piles.

Busier than a one-armed swordsman with an itchy bum-hole.

Up and down like a whore’s drawers.

As busy as ten men.

I’m not Mandrake you know.

Busier than a cat burying a shit in a marble floor.

Busier than a one-armed boundary rider with an itchy bum.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

Busier than a one-legged bum kicker.

Running around like a headless chook.

Busy as peak hour on Pitt Street.

All over the place like a mad woman’s breakfast.

All over the place like a mad woman shitting/knitting.

All over the place like a set of mad woman’s footprints.

Like Piccadilly Circus.

Busy as a blowfly in a dunny.

 

BUT WHY MUM?

Because the chairman of the Woolongong Tennis Association is a good go-go dancer.

Just for fun and fancy.

Because Y is a crooked letter (and the W is no better).

Because there’s milk in a plum.

“How come?” “By train I expect.”

 

CAMP

He’s a bit light in his slippers.

Camp as a row of tents.

 

CHAT

Chin-wag.

Chew the fat.

Banter.

 

CHEAP

Cheap at half the price.

Not dear.

 

CHEER UP / GET OVER IT

Don’t be glum, the worst is yet to come.

Keep ya pecker up.

Put a smile on your dial.

Watch you don’t trip over your bottom lip.

Build a bridge.

 

CHILDREN

Nippers.

Billy lids.

Ankle biters.

Sprogs.

Dabsters.

Nointers.

 

CLEAR / NOT CLEAR

Clear as mud.

Clear as day.

As clear as mud in a brown beer bottle at the bottom of the Thames on a foggy night.

 

CLUMSY

Like a bull at a gate.

 

COLD

Colder than a witch’s tit.

It was a three dog night.

Spanner water. (Tightens your nuts.)

 

COLOUR

Navy blue and black picks up everything but money and men.

Blue and green should never be seen.

 

COMEBACK

Greatest comeback since Lazarus.

 

COME HOME

Come home when the street lights come on.

 

CONCEITED

He would drink his own bathwater.

Flash as a rat with a gold tooth.

“No flies on me mate.” “Yeah but you can see the shitmarks where they used to be.”

Got tickets on himself.

Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?

 

CONFUSED

More confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

 

CONVERSATION FILLER

Society will reject the motor car.

Did you meet anyone you like better than yourself?

What do you know?

Well, well, well – three holes in the ground.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch/farm, tension mounted…and rode away.

Nice day for the race – the human race.

 

CORRECT

You’re not wrong.

You’re not wrong Narelle.

 

CUNNING

Cunning as a shit house rat.

 

CURSES

I spit on their haircut.

I hope your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny door down.

 

CUTLERY

Fighting gear.

Ironmongery.

 

DARK

It’s as dark as the inside of a cow out there tonight.

 

DEAD

As dead as a dead dingo’s donger.

Dead as a dodo.

 

DECISION MAKING

Time to hit or get off the pot.

 

DIFFICULT / IMPOSSIBLE

Like pushing custard uphill with a fork.

Pushing shit uphill.

 

DIGGING

Digging my way to China.

Hoping to reach China before Christmas, if not we’ll settle for the train track.

 

DISHONEST / MISLEADING / EXAGGERATING 

Flash as a rat with a gold tooth.

Heads on them like mice.

Jesus Christ Harry, if bullshit were music you’d have a brass band.

Telling porkies.

 

DOG

(slinking through the kitchen) Look at the dog, disguising himself as a piece of meat.

 

DOG POO

Barker’s egg.

 

DO IT YOURSELF

Are your legs painted on?

What did your last slave die of?

 

DONE

Bob’s your uncle.

Bob’s your aunty’s live-in lover.

Done as a dinner.

Doneski.

 

DON’T CALL ME

When I want to hear from you I’ll rattle a bucket.

I don’t care what you call me just don’t call me late for dinner.

 

DON’T COMPLAIN

Lump it.

Suffer in your jocks.

 

DON’T GIVE UP

Never say die ’til a dead dog bites you.

 

DON’T KNOW / CAN’T BE BOTHERED EXPLAINING

It’s a whimwham for a mustard mill.

It’s a wigwam for a goose’s bridle.

 

DON’T WORRY

Don’t get your knickers in a knot.

Don’t wrap yourself around the axel about it.

Calm the farm.

Don’t blow a pooper valve.

Don’t blow a foofah valve.

Simmer down.

Calm the sugar palm farm.

 

DOUBLE ENTENDRE

As the bishop said to the actress.

 

DOWN / KNOCKED OUT

He went down quicker than the first tinny at a butcher’s picnic.

Looks like he’s lost interest.

 

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

Yes he’s got a shop up George Street.

Yes he keeps a chemist shop up George Street.

Watt made steam engines.

 

DRUNK

He’s a bit foo in the noo.

I’ve lost my understandings.

I’m not as think as drunkle peep I am.

Blithered.

Three sheets to the wind.

Drunk as a skunk.

I’m under the affluence of alcohol.

Full as a state school.

Trolleyed.

Rat-arsed.

 

DRY

Dry as a dead dingo’s donger.

Dry as a nun’s nasty.

As the bottom of a budgie’s cage.

As dry as a nun’s picnic.

Dry as a chip.

Dry as a bark hut.

 

DUBIOUS

A bit how’s ya father.

They’re a piece of work.

 

EARS

Cloth eared.

Are those ears painted on?

Are those ears just for decoration?

Lug-holes.

 

EASY

It’s not rocket science.

It’s not brain surgery.

Too easy.

It’s not rocket surgery.

 

EATING

Eating’s cheating.

Children in Africa are starving for that food.

 

EGGS

Bum nuts.

Cackleberries.

Googie.

Goog.

 

EXCLAMATIONS

Stone the flaming crows.

God starve the lizards.

You wouldn’t read about it.

What is this, bush week?

I’ll have you, hat coat and trousers!

From arsehole to breakfast time!

Strike me pink!

Strike me pink with a blue bag!

Well strike me bloody hooray.

Whacko the chook!

Bless your cotton socks.

My giddy aunt!

Well, pickle me grandmother!

Fiddlesticks.

Oh my Godfather’s ducks.

White rabbits. (Said on the first day of the month for good luck.)

Wouldn’t that tear the seat/fork out of your nightie.

Shit a brick and fart a pebble in Bourke Street.

Hector protector!

Jeepers creepers!

Love a duck!

Hell’s teeth!

Damn and blast.

Strewth.

Oh my hat!

My eye and Peggy Martin!

Bloody Norah!

 

EXCUSES

I can’t, I’ve got a bone in my leg.

I can’t, I’ve got bones.

Never send a boy on a man’s errand. (When missed a golf shot)

I’m too busy washing the cat.

I’m not Mandrake you know!

I’m going to see a man about a dog. (Off to the pub.)

I’m going to see a man about a duck. (Off to play cricket.)

 

EXPENSIVE

Dear

Charges like a wounded bull.

 

EYES

Eyes like pusser’s duff bowls.

Eyes like piss holes in the snow.

 

FAIR

Fair suck of the sauce bottle / saveloy / sav.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle.

Fair crack of the whip.

“It’s not fair!” “Neither is Jack Johnson’s bum.”

Fair as a sheep’s arse.

 

FART

Better an empty house than a bad lodger.

Give that more choke and I would have started.

Break wind.

Open the lunchbox.

Let fluffy off the chain.

 

FAT

Built like a brick proverbial.

You wouldn’t want them to blow off in your last pound of flour.

Billets of wood. (Thick legs.)

Bum heavy.

Built like a brick shithouse.

Ten handles across the bum.

 

FED UP

Had it up to dolly’s wax.

Had it up to dolly’s bow.

Fed up to the back teeth.

That is the dizzy limit.

That is the giddy limit.

 

FICKLE

All over the place like a mad woman’s breakfast / custard.

All over the place like a mad woman shitting/knitting.

All over the place like a set of mad woman’s footprints.

Arthur or Martha.

All over the place like a broken string of pearls.

 

FINGERS

Mal Meningas

 

FITS

Fits like a bum in a bucket.

 

FIXED

There we go that’ll stop it farting in church.

Tickety-boo.

That’s another jobby-job done said the moneky after he pooed in the sugar bowl.

 

FLAT

Flat as a shitcarters hat.

 

FLUSTERED

I ran into myself leaving.

I keep getting in my own way.

 

FULL

Full as a goog.

Full as a fat lady’s sock.

Full as an egg.

I’m full up to pussy’s bow.

I’ve had elegant sufficiency.

I’ve had elephant’s fishing can.

Anymore would overtax my carrying capacity.

Anymore would be flipsy-flopsy.

Anymore would be superfluity.

Full as a state school bus.

Full as a state school hat rack.

Full up to dolly’s wax.

Full to the dolly wax.

Full as a fat boy’s sock.

Full as a scrub bull.

Full as a fat man’s jocks.

Full as a doctor’s wallet.

Full as a boot.

Full as a tick.

Full as a seaside dunny on Boxing Day.

 

GET ON WITH IT

We didn’t come here to fuck spiders.

Rattle ya dags.

 

GET OUT OF THE WAY

You make a better door than a window. (Even though you are a pain).

So you think you’re made of glass?

Was your father a glazier?

Your father was a grazier not a glazier.

Your parents weren’t glass makers!

You’re a pane but I can’t see through you.

Is your Dad a glass blower?

 

GLASS NOT FULL ENOUGH

Tide’s out.

You could put a collar and tie on that.

 

GO AWAY

Go jump.

Go and jump in the lake.

Go and play with the buses.

Go and play in the traffic.

Go outside and don’t come back unless you’re bleeding.

Take a long walk off a short pier.

Go play skippy on the freeway.

Go and dip your head in the bottom of the cocky’s cage.

Oh go blacken ya bum.

Piss orf.

On ya bike.

Rack off.

 

GOING OFF

Like a panel van at a drive-in.

Like a frog in a sock.

 

GOING ON ABOUT IT

We’re flogging a dead horse.

 

GOING TO THE PUB

Off to see a man about a dog.

Going down to me local.

Going down the rubadubdub.

Going down the rubbedy.

Secret men’s business.

 

GOOD

Ripper.

Bewdy.

Bewdy bottler.

Bottler.

Blood’s worth bottling.

Worth your weight in onion skins.

 

GOODBYE

Toodle-Pip.

Toddle-oo.

Ta-da.

Ta-ta.

Hooroo.

See ya ’round like a rissole.

See you when I’m looking at ya.

“See you later.” “Not if I see you first.”

Oo-roo.

Gone to Gowing’s.

TTFN (Ta ta for now)

See you later alligator, (in a while crocodile).

See you later when your legs are straighter.

Cop you later!

 

GOOD FORTUNE

She landed with her bum in butter.

 

GOSSIPY or CHATTY PERSON

He has a mouth like a torn sack.

Can talk underwater with a mouthfull of sand / marbles / loaf of bread in his mouth.

Can talk under wet cement.

Bangs on like a dunny door in a thunderstorm.

Bucket mouth.

Last time I saw a mouth that big it had a hook hanging out of it.

Trout mouth.

Has a mouth like a torn slipper.

Could talk the leg off a chair.

Could talk the leg off a donkey.

Could talk the leg off an iron pot.

Could talk a glass eye to sleep.

She’s out longbottom. (Talking too much to leave the seat.)

Vaccinated with a record needle.

 

GO TO BED

Time for the blanket show.

It’s time for the go to bed show.

Nighty night, don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Off to bedforshire.

 

GROWTH SPURT / SHORT TROUSERS

You’d better have a party and invite your pants down.

Growing like a weed.

I’ll have to stop feeding you.

 

GRUMPY / COMPLAINING

Got out of the wrong side of bed did you?

Whingeing like a pom.

Cranky.

Crotchety.

Crabby.

 

HAIR

My hair looks like a birch broom in a fit.

Your hair looks like a chook’s bum in a fit.

You look like a wild man from Borneo.

Hair like a half-sucked mango.

 

HAPPY

Happy as a pig in mud.

Happy as a lark.

Happy as a dog with two tails / bums.

Happy as a box of birds.

Box of birds.

Cheery as a box of birds.

Wouldn’t be dead for quids.

Happy as a big fat spider.

 

HARD

Hard as a bull’s forehead.

Pushing shit up hill with a red not knitting needle and a piece of string for a backstop.

 

HATS

Get a hat, get ahead.

Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

 

HAVE A LOOK

Have a gander.

Have a big eye.

Butcher’s hook.

Fossick.

Rummage.

 

HONEY

Honey makes you funny.

 

HOW ARE YOU?

Happy as a pig in shit / mud.

Crook as Rookwood.

Crook as Rook.

Flatter than a shit carter’s hat.

If I were any better I’d be two people!

I feel like death warmed up.

 

HOW DID YOU MEET?

Met at an ice rink and started going round together.

 

HOW MUCH?

Money and fair words.

 

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Old as my tongue but not as old as my teeth.

 

HUNGRY

I could eat the crotch out of a low flying duck.

I could eat the jockey and chase the rider.

I could eat a baby’s bum through a cane chair.

I could eat the south end of a north-bound camel.

I could eat the crotch out of a low-flying pig.

I could eat the bum out of a rag doll.

So hungry I could eat a scabby horse.

I could eat a dead leper’s underpants.

 

HUNCHED

Hunched up like a greyhound shitting razorblades.

 

HURRY UP

Rattle ya dags.

Get a wriggle on.

Well this won’t get the baby a new dress.

If you don’t get a wriggle on you’ll have footprints down your back.

Shake your feathers.

Last one in is a rotten egg.

Wake up Australia.

Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

 

I DON’T KNOW

Because the chairman of the Woollongong Tennis Association is a very good go-go dancer.

A whatchamacallit for a thingamabob.

It’s a wig-wam for a goose’s bridle.

 

I GIVE UP / MOVE ON

Oh well, put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

 

I HAD ONE OF THOSE

I had one of those but the baby licked the paint off.

I had one of those but the legs fell off.

I had one of those but the wheels fell off.

I’ve got a drawer full of them.

 

IMPROVEMENTS

Polish a turd.

Polish a turd and roll it in glitter.

You can’t polish a turd but you can put lipstick on a pig.

 

INHOSPITABLE / MEAN

All we got was a dingo’s breakfast and a good look around.

Mean as catshit.

 

INSULT

I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

Wouldn’t piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.

I wish you’d go under water three times and come up twice.

I hope your earlobes turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.

I’d raffle you off but no-one would buy a ticket.

(Hold thumb up), Sit on this and spin.

Stick it up your bum.

 

LADIES and GENTLEMEN

Ladles and Jelly spoons, I come before you to stand behind you and tell you about something I know nothing about.

 

LAMENTING WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN 

If my aunty had balls, she’d be my uncle.

 

LAST CHANCE

Last shake of the sugar bag.

 

LATE

‘Too late, too late,’ she cried as she waved her wooden leg.

You would be late to your own funeral.

 

LAUGH

Fell about laughing.

Laughed like a drain.

In stitches.

Laugh! I’m telling you I never thought my socks would dry.

 

LAZY / SLOW

Couldn’t work in an iron lung.

Slow as a wet week.

You’d be late to your own funeral.

He’s a bit tired.

So lazy he’d die in a respirator.

Couldn’t breathe in an iron lung.

Slow as a week of wet mondays.

Lazy as a blue-arse fly.

 

LET IT GO

Let it go through to the keeper.

Put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

 

LIES

Porky pies.

Whoppers.

Tall stories.

Furfies.

Balderdash.

Fiddlesticks.

Claptrap.

Pig’s arse.

 

MAD / STRANGE

Mad as a cut snake.

Got a screw loose.

Got a few screws loose.

Got a roo loose in the top paddock.

Got kangaroos in the top paddock.

Crazy as a shithouse rat.

Lost his/her marbles.

Mad as a bag full of squirrels.

Not the full bottle.

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Mad as a two-bob watch.

Strange breed of cattle.

Daft as a brush.

Lives in the land of the broken biscuits.

Bats in the belfry.

A few bikkies short of a packet.

Not the full quid.

 

MANNERS 

Excuse me reaching but the sea’s rough.

 

MESSY

Your bedroom looks like wreck of the Hesperus.

Like a bull in a china shop.

Like a pack-a-poo tent.

You look like a tuppence worth of cat meat.

As organised as a tossed salad.

You look like two pennith of God help us.

 

MIDDLE FINGER 

Bird.

Flipping the bird.

Rude finger.

(Response to) Oh yeah and what else did you get for Christmas?

 

MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

Bumfuck nowhere.

Back of Bourke.

Beyond the black stump.

Woo-woop.

Out in the sticks.

 

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS / NEVER YOU MIND

(What are you doing?) Making a wigwam / wing wong / whim wham for a goose’s  / mongoose’s bridle. OR Making a wing-wong for a goose’s bridle to wind the moon up and down.

I’m off to see a man about a dog.

Because the chairman of the Woollongong Tennis Association is a very good go-go dancer.

That’s for me to know and for you to find out.

None of your beeswax.

You don’t need to know the ins and outs of a duck’s bum.

Because Y is a crooked letter (and the W is no better).

Because there’s milk in a plum.

 

MISERLY

Wouldn’t shout if a shark bit him.

Short arms deep pockets.

Tight as a fish’s arsehole.

Tight as a cat’s arse.

 

MISFIT

Like a trotter at the gallops.

Like a pork chop at a Jewish BBQ.

Like a whore in a cathedral.

 

MULTI-USE EXPRESSIONS

From arsehole to breakfast time.

That’d tear the fork out of your brushed nylon nightie.

Same principle as a spring-bottomed pudding basin.

All that meat and no potatoes.

 

NERVOUS

Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Like a prostitute off to a christening.

 

NO CHANCE

Buckleys.

Two chances – Buckley’s and Nunn.

A snowball’s chance in hell.

Your’s and Buckley’s.

Buckly’s and bugger all.

We’ll see.

Not in a month of Sunday’s.

When hell freezes over.

You’ve got a teardrop’s chance in hell.

 

NOISY

It’s like trying to have a quiet root in a chophouse.

 

NOSE PICKING

Picking a winner for Saturday.

Pick a winner.

Mining for gold.

Picked it like a dirty nose.

Don’t pick your nose or your brain will fall out.

 

NOT AS SILLY AS YOU LOOK

You’re not as stupid as you look – lucky for you.

You’re not as green as you are cabbage looking.

 

NOT CLEAR

I see, said the blind man to his deaf son.

I see, said the blind man waving his wooden leg in the air.

I see, said the blind man with a wooden leg above his head as he rolled his glass eye heavenward.

Clear as mud.

 

NOT ENOUGH

Tide’s out.

That’s not enough to put in your eye.

 

NOT GOOD

Things are crook in Tullarook / Bullarook.

Aye there’s trouble at mill.

Crook as Rookwood.

There’s no work in Bourke.

In more shit than a Werribee duck.

Crook as Rook.

Enough to put a donkey off its oats.

Enough to kill a brown dog / snake.

(While playing cards) I’m away in the gloomy ranges, at the foot of the ironbark.

That’d kill a black cat cantering.

Up shit creek without a paddle.

Hit rock bottom and starting to dig.

If this is a true indication of x’s ability, I am surprised he can find his way home at the end of each day.

Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

All tip, no iceberg.

THeir lift doesn’t go all the way to the top.

 

NOT LISTENING

Do you have cloth ears?

Are your ears painted on?

Are those ears just there for decoration?

Cloth-eared.

 

NOT MY THING

Not my cup o’ tea.

 

NOT PRACTICAL

He could give you the square root of a lawnmower but not know how to start it.

 

NOT TRUE

Balderdash.

Fiddlesticks.

Claptrap.

Bollocks.

Bull dust.

Bull.

Bull licky.

Pig’s arse.

 

NOT TRUSTWORTHY

He’d be like, “You watch the snake while I go and find a big stick.”

 

NO WAY

Not on your nelly.

Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.

We’ll see.

Wouldn’t touch it with a forky stick.

Wouldn’t go near it with a barge pole.

I’d rather drown in a bucket.

Ask your father.

 

OH WELL / PLATITUDES

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Oh well, tough titties.

Oh well, tough bickies.

Oh well, better than a slap across the belly with a wet fish.

It’s a long road without a turn.

We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Oh well, put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

 

OBITUARIES

I’m just reading the obits to see if I’m still here. Then I can get on with my day.

Hatched, matched and dispatched.

 

OBNOXIOUS or BRAVE

More front that Myer / Anthony Horderns / Mark Foy’s.

Brave as Ned Kelly.

 

OBVIOUS

Is the pope a Catholic?

No shit Sherlock.

Thanks Captain Obvious.

Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

Is a frog’s arse watertight?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

A blind man galloping past would be pleased to see it.

 

OFF (leaving)

Off like a bride’s nightie.

Off like a bag of prawns in the midday sun.

Off like a fish milkshake.

Off like a frog in a sock.

Off like a chop / prawn in the sun.

Off like a piece of stale cheese.

Off like a rat up a drainpipe.

Off like a dirty shirt.

Off like a stripper’s knickers.

 

OVERDOING THINGS

Well that would be gilding the lily.

 

OVERDRESSED / UNDERDRESSED

Dressed up like a pox doctor’s clerk.

That outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.

That dress is so short you can see if her hat is on straight.

Mutton dressed up as lamb.

Done up to the nines.

 

OLD / LONG TIME AGO

Old as the hills.

Creakies. (Old people).

Crumblies.

Old farts.

Since Adam was a boy.

Since year dot.

 

PAIN

Is it a pain or is it an ache?

Crack hardy. (Put up with the pain)

It’ll stop hurting when the pain goes.

 

PERSISTANCE

Persistance can stretch an ant’s arsehole over the kitchen sink.

 

PIE

A dead dog’s eye.

 

PLEASE LEAVE

Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?

 

POOR

Poor as a church mouse.

Hasn’t got two bob to rub together.

 

POSH

Plummy.

Plum in her mouth.

Uppity.

Lady Muck.

Mrs Kerfoops.

Keeps her vegemite in the fridge.

Hoity-toity.

 

POSTURE

Sit up buttercup. Legs down Mother Brown.

 

PREGNANT

Someone’s installed a verandah over the toy shop.

Bun in the oven.

Up the duff / muff.

A two pound lump in a one pound bag.

 

PRISON

He’s got a zebra tan. (Been in prison)

 

PROMISCUOUS

Bangs like the dunny door in a gale.

They’d root a brown snake if someone held its head.

 

PROTESTERS

Tree-huggers.

 

PROUD

Like a cockie on a chocolate tin.

Sitting up there like Jacky.

Her pride will keep her warm. (Not wearing much.)

 

PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET

Stick it in your kick.

 

PUT OFF THE OPPOSITION

(Shouted) Chewy on ya boot!

Miss miss cockie’s piss!

 

QUESTIONABLE INTELLECT / USELESS

If brains were chocolate, you wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie.

Useless as pockets on a singlet.

Useless as an ass pocket in a singlet.

Useless as hip pockets on a sock.

If she had half a brain she’d be dangerous.

As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

As useful as tits on a bull.

If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.

Couldn’t stop a pig in an alley.

A sandwich short of a picnic.

As useful as a chocolate teapot.

A sheep short in the top paddock.

A can short of a six pack.

A tinny short of a six pack.

A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

A brick short of a truckload.

Couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery.

Late for your own funeral.

Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel (with a suitcase full of fifties and a bunch of roses).

Sillier than a bum full of smarties.

Useless as a fireplace in Darwin.

You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on.

Call him Milo ’cause he sure isn’t Quik.

They make a brick look like a wafer.

If his brains were made of dynamite, they wouldn’t blow his hat off.

If his brains were water, there wouldn’t be enough to drown an ant.

No brains and happy to have none.

Dumb as a box of rocks.

Dumb as a box of hammers.

Not the full 75 cents.

Couldn’t track an elephant through soft snow.

If your brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow the wax out of your ears.

As sharp as a bowling ball.

He couldn’t run a bath.

He wouldn’t be able to hit a bull in the bum with a handful of wheat.

Couldn’t hit a bull with a handful of rice.

As useful as a eunuch at an orgy.

As useful as a waterproof teabag.

As useful as a neon-pink secret door.

As useful as hip pockets on a chook.

Couldn’t get a shag in a whorehouse.

Can’t organise themselves out of a wet paper bag.

Ten pounds of stupid in a five pound dumpling.

Thick as two short planks.

As useful as an ejector seat in a helicopter.

Smart as a rat with a gold tooth. (Acts smart but isn’t.)

Flash as a rat with a gold tooth.

A screwdriver short of a set.

Through to the keeper.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed/ toolbox.

Nothing but a drongo.

Not the brightest crayon in the box.

A slice short of a loaf.

Silly as a shit beetle.

Couldn’t organise a chook raffle in a pub.

Not the full packet of iced vovos.

Wouldn’t know if his arse was on fire.

Useless as a condom in a convent.

As handy as a flyscreen on a submarine.

He’d know as much about that as a pig would know about a holiday.

A blanket short of a swag.

If his brains were dymanite they wouldn’t ruffle his hair.

The light’s on but no one’s home.

Couldn’t organise a fart in a curryhouse.

Couldn’t sell ice to eskimos.

A village somewhere is missing its idiot.

Useless as a sore arse to a boundary rider.

Useless as a chocolate teapot.

If there was another brain cell, they’d fight.

Nice room, no furniture.

A barnacle on the backside of progress.

Doesn’t know poo from pineapple jam.

Useless as a chocolate fireguard.

Left behind the door when the brains were being handed out.

Useless as two penneth of God help us.

 

QUICKLY

Two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Two shakes of a dead lamb’s tail.

Two shakes of a horse’s tail.

In a tick.

 

RARE

Rare as hen’s teeth.

Rare as rocking horse poo.

 

RELIGIOUS PEOPLE

God botherers.

Happy clappers.

Calathumpian. (A pretend religion to use when filling in forms.)

 

RHYMING SLANG

Butcher’s hook – look.

Dead horse – tomato sauce.

Dog and bone – telephone.

Frog and toad – road.

Cheese and kisses – missus.

Trouble and strife – wife.

Joe Blake – snake

Larry Bird – turd.

Petrol bowsers – trousers.

Noah’s ark – shark.

Barry Crocker (having a Barry) – Shocker

Reg Grundies – Undies.

Bo-peep – sleep.

Boat race – face.

Borrow and beg – egg.

Apples and pears – stairs.

Ruby Murray – Curry

Bubble bath – laugh.

Barney Rubble – Trouble

Jockeys whips – chips.

Warwick Farm – arm.

 

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

If it was a snake it would have bitten you.

If it were a black snake you’d be dead.

If it were a dog it would have bitten you.

Lucky it didn’t have teeth.

If it had teeth it would bite you.

Can’t see the trood for the wees.

Had a man look.

Had a daddy look.

Domestic blindness.

Can’t see for looking.

 

ROUGH

Rough as hessian undies.

Rough as guts.

 

SAME

Same same.

Same diff.

Six of one half a dozen of the other.

 

SARSPARILLA

Sars.

Sarspadiddly.

 

SEE YOU

Round like a rissole.

When I’m looking at ya.

“See you later.” “Not if I see you first.”

 

SET BACK

Fly in the ointment.

Spanner in tne works.

 

SHARK

Noah’s ark.

 

SHAVING

Time to scrape the pig.

 

SHE

‘She’ is the cat’s mother.

 

SHOES

Clodhoppers.

Kicks.

 

SHOWY

All hat and no cattle.

A rat with a gold tooth.

The only thing keeping him off the stage is teh manager’s foot.

 

SHUT THE DOOR

Were you born in a tent?

 

SICK

Sick as a dog.

Sick as a brick.

I need a bex and a good lie down.

 

SICKIE

Bad case of dandruff.

Bone in his leg.

 

SILENT

Silent like the ‘p’ in swimming.

 

SILLY / IDIOT

Carrying on like a pork chop.

Silly as a shit beetle.

Silly as sixpence.

Silly as a wheel.

Silly duffer.

Rummin.

Silly as a duck but monkey cunning.

Ning-nong.

Nong.

Nincompoop.

 

SKINNY

Lucky legs (lucky they don’t snap off and stick up your bum).

Lucky legs (lucky they can hold you up).

Legs like a curlew.

Lolly legs.

They’d slip up a drain pipe.

Like a drover’s dog – all rib and prick.

 

SLOW DOWN

Steady on.

Hold your horses.

Stem your flow.

 

SMART

No flies on you.

She knows how many beans make five.

No flies on you.

 

SNORING

Driving the pigs up and down the bed.

 

SO…

…Sew buttons and watch them grow.

 

SORTED

Bob’s your uncle.

She’ll be right.

Doneski.

Tickety-boo.

 

STAND BACK / BACK OFF

Let the dog see the horses.

Don’t push ya granny while she’s shaving.

Stand back and let the dog see the rabbits.

Listen Kelly, who’s robbing this coach?

Who’s fucking this donkey?

 

STRAIGHT TALKING

Plays with a straight bat.

 

STRONG / FIT

Fit as a Mallee bull. (And more dangerous).

Tough as old boots.

 

STUCK

Stuck like shit on velcro.

Stuck like shit to a blanket.

Stuck to him like a wet singlet.

 

SWEATY

Sweating like a hooker in church.

Sweating like a duck in a gun shop.

 

TALL PERSON

A tall drink of water.

 

TEDIOUS

Like picking fly shit out of pepper.

Like watching paint dry.

As much fun as sand in your undies.

 

TEETH (missing or bucked)

Could eat apples through a picket fence.

Could eat an apple through a tennis racquet.

 

TELEPHONE

Tellingbone.

Dog and bone.

Blower.

(When hanging up) Okay well I’ll go and then you go and Hugo a go-go.

 

TELL ‘EM

Tell them to plait their poop.

Tell them to go jump.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tell ’em to stick it up their jumper.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Tell ’em to go and visit old black Joe.

 

THANK YOU

I’ll show you a shilling.

Thanking you.

Bless your cotton socks.

 

THING

Thingo.

Doo-dad.

Notion.

Doover.

Thingumyjig.

Doohickey.

 

THIRSTY

“I’m thirsty.”  “And I’m Frid-ey.”

 

THOUGHT

You know what thought did? Put a feather in the ground and thought he’s grow a rooster.

Thought ran off with a milk cart, thought it was a wedding.

 

TIRED

Pole-axed.

Knackered.

Buggered.

As tired as a greyhound.

I am so tired my tired is tired.

 

TOLERANCE

It takes all kinds to make a world.

It takes all kinds of vegetables to make minestrone.

 

TOILET

Going to the toot.

Lavvy.

Lav.

 

TOMATO SAUCE

Dead horse.

When you shake a sauce botttle, first none’ll come out and then a lottle.

 

TOO EARLY

Twirly like a pig’s tail.

 

TOOK OFF

Took off like a Bondi Tram.

 

TOUGH

Tough as old boots.

Tough as goat’s knees.

 

TOUGHEN UP / YOU’LL BE RIGHT

Give it a rub.

You’ll have worse than that before you die.

Want me to call the waaaambulance?

Blow on it.

Lump it.

Suffer in your jocks.

Up a day.

Up again, cop another.

Get back on the horse.

Up a daisy.

Harden up Buttercup.

Crack hardy.

 

TRAVEL

(Car travel with children) All out now, change for the Liverpool line.

Home James and don’t spare the horses!

We’re going to the Boo High.

I’m taking a strawberry shortcake (Short cut).

Shanks’ pony. (Walking)

If I get to the bridge post first I’ll put a rock on it and if you get there first you knock it off.

On the wallaby track. (Bushwalking.)

 

TROUBLE

Shit hit the fan.

Up shit creek without a paddle.

 

TRUE

Fair dinkum.

Dinky-di.

Dinkum.

 

TUMMY

Bread basket.

 

UGLY or GRUMPY LOOKING

Looks like the back end of a tram.

Face like a half-sucked twistie.

Face like a dropped pie/ smashed pie.

Face like a dried up buffalo turd.

Face like a smacked bum / slapped arse.

Face like a half-sucked mango.

Face like a bucket of smashed crabs.

Ugly as a hat full of arseholes.

Ugly as a hat full of rissoles.

A face like a spat-out minty.

Better to be born lucky than good looking.

Head like a boarding house pudding.

She’s not as green as she is cabbage looking.

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Hit with the ugly stick.

A face like a bum pushed through a cane chair.

A face like a pushed-in pastry cart.

A face like a kicked-in pineapple tin.

A face like a warped sandshoe.

A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Fugly.

They’ve taken the full course (of ugly pills).

 

UNDERWEAR

Undies.

Grundies.

Reg Grundies.

Underdungers.

Scruds.

 

UNMARRIED

Forgotten treasure.

Return to maker unopened.

On the shelf.

 

UNPOPULAR

As poular as a pork shop in a synagogue.

 

VERY GOOD

Duck’s nuts.

Bee’s knees.

Nit’s tits.

Frog’s togs.

You’re a keeper.

Straight to the pool (pewl) room.

Blood’s worth bottling.

Bottler.

Worth your weight in rocking horse manure.

 

VOMITING

Calling out to Ruuuuuuth.

Driving the porcelain bus.

Talking to God on the big white telephone.

Technicolour yawn.

Worshipping at the porcelain altar.

 

WASHING

Wash up as far as possible, down as far as possible and then wash possible.

 

WATER

Dingo’s breakfast.

 

WEAK

Weak as cat’s piss.

Couldn’t pull the skin off a ricepudding.

Wouldn’t make an impression on a rubber cushion.

Couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

Couldn’t stop a pog in a passage.

 

WEATHER

Send ‘er down Hugie (rain).

Raining cats and dogs.

So windy it’d blow a dog off its chain.

Flatter than a shit carter’s hat.

Colder than a witch’s tit.

Dry as a witch’s tit.

That wind’ll blow a sailor off your sister.

That wind’ll blow the froth off your capuccino.

Enough blue sky to make a pair of sailor’s pants.

It’s so windy it’ll blow the milk out of your tea.

It’s so windy I’ve seen a chook lay the same egg three times.

It was a three-dog night. (cold)

Hot enough for ya?

That sun will burn yer eyes out.

Could fry and egg in that sun.

 

WEE

Pissing like a race horse.

Piss your money up the wall.

I’m off to break the seal.

Going for a slash.

Going to water the horses.

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Riding a bike down Bourke Street.

Making a wobbledegong for the goose’s bridle.

Making a wigwam for a goose’s bridle.

Getting Hoadley’s.

Going there and back to see how far it is.

Milking a cow.

 

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

There are no bones in bananas.

 

WHAT’S FOR DINNER / TEA?

Bread and duck under the table.

Bread and pullet.

Shit on a stick and a pumpkin.

Chook poop on toast.

Duck and point.

Wait and see pudding.

Shit on a stick and sugar if you’re good.

Pullet and duck.

A duck under the table.

A wigwam for a goose’s bridle.

Fried fish and flathead.

The hole in the donut.

Bee’s knees and monket bums.

Pickled eel’s feet and turkey’s elbows.

Bread and drippping.

Pig’s shit and cauliflower.

Bread and scratchit under the table.

Bread and spit.

Shit with sugar on now shut up.

A glass of water and a runny shit.

A kind smile and a drink of water.

Hot tongue and cold shoulder.

Shit with stripes.

Bread and grab.

Pickled eels feet and gollygum.

Horse shit and bus tickets.

Wampum.

Duck and roll under the table.

Chase it.

Sour sobs and seawater.

A glass of water and a carraway seed.

Wait and see pie.

Chocolate hamburgers.

Pigshit and goolygum.

Pig ass and cabbage.

Shit and sugar.

Steak and kiddly. (Then when corrected) I said kiddly, diddle I?

Schmaltz and ice cream.

A green pea and a flea’s leg.

Bread and if. If we’ve got it, you can have it.

Vinegar on a fork.

Cup of tea and a feather.

Stewed bugs and onions.

Pal.

Air sandwich.

Jackanory.

 

WHAT’S IN THE BAG?

A flypaper for a stickybeak.

11 gigs – want to jump in and make it 12?

 

WHAT’S THE TIME?

Half past a hair and a quarter to the freckle.

The time all dog’s were dead, aren’t you glad you’re a monkey?

 

WHERE ARE YOU? / WHERE’S MUM?

Up in Annie’s room.

Up in Annie’s room hanging on a rusty nail.

Up in Annie’s room behind the clock.

Up in Lizzie’s room behind the clock.

Up in Nellie’s room behind the wallpaper.

On the roof picking perriwinkles.

I went for a piggle and pork down the frog and toad.

He went mad so I shot him.

Oout flying a plane upside down.

Sitting on my head farting my socks off.

Run off to the circus.

Off to sew a singlet for Cecil.

 

WOULDN’T PICK IT.

Harder to pick than a broken nose.

 

Categories: Brainwork, HistOracles, Nerdy Bits

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