- DISCLAIMER: I am pre-menstrual. My boobs hurt, I have pimples and I am in a right grump with whomever it was that created females actually. Such lazy, bullshit design. I’d have put me in for repairs or replacement by now if I were machinery. Very temperamental and really leaky. FFS. Anyway, to the point.
TEN THINGS THAT REALLY BLOODY(!) ANNOY ME:
- Getting a fright. Just the other night, I was very busy watching a horror film (Backtrack – Australian, starring Sam Neil, worth watching if you’re a ghost fan) when my children burst through the back door. They were meant to be inside asleep but unbeknowns to me were outside looking for the dog. I almost shat myself, then yelled. The yelling was a direct result of the adrenalin burst from the fright, not the children looking for the dog. I seriously thought we were being invaded. (But I must add to that by saying I get a lot of joy from giving said frights. Early in our marriage I once hid in a box for twenty minutes to give Richard a fright. It worked a treat. I burst out and he jumped a mile and shouted, “FUCK ME!” Which was the start of all the trouble really.)
- My wrinkly elbows. Nothing shows age like the skin on your elbows when your arms are straight. The other day I saw a photo of myself on a day when I thought I was looking quite nice. Turns out it didn’t matter how I looked, the skin on my elbows stole the show. They are almost appendages, with a distinctly scrotal texture. No one wants tiny scrotums hanging off their arms. FFS what next in this advancing of years?
- Drivers who let you in but get really kind of snarky with their hand gestures. If you’re going to be grumpy and impatient while you’re being ‘nice’, don’t bother. No one’s making you be courteous so just drive on, I’ll wait for someone properly patient to let me in. Someone with gentle gestures. Sheesh, do me a good turn, don’t do me a snark.
- That thing when you buy a ‘mixed’ punnet of flower seedlings and all the flowers turn out to be purple. Don’t say it’s mixed. At least say, “You might be lucky to get a white one but it’s probably mostly purple” or something. I suspect there’s someone in the ‘mixing’ department who loves purple and is trying to turn all our gardens to puce.
- Jeans. I buy them, then I get home and I hate them. They’re not comfortable and they are the reason there are thousands of women RIGHT NOW looking at their bottoms in the mirror and feeling displeased. I suspect that someone, somewhere (possibly the purple seedling person) is evil laughing in their basement while they design a ‘low hipster, ultra skinny, ripped knee’ pair of jeans (in a dark blue that comes off on your beige leather couch) with which to brain wash the fashion world. I did have an okay pair of jeans once, but I left them in the mosh pit at a music festival. That might be a story for another day. Or not.
- Speaking of jeans, it annoys me how people selling clothes refer to pants and jeans in the singular. “Yes that’s a gorgeous pant” or “It’s a very flattering jean”. WTF? But then I guess there’s no good reason for adding the ‘s’ in the first place. Why do we buy ‘trousers’ and not ‘a trouser’? Is it because of the two legs? Trousers is a funny word. Moving on.
- When you have a sudden rush of fondness for the dog because he’s all curled up and warm and content next to you so you give him a big cuddle and he takes it too far and licks your mouth. Like right on the mouth so that his tongue goes inside a little bit.
- That sad fact that I can’t yodel or tap dance. Both great party tricks. Also wonderful ways to embarrass the children.
- That no one says ‘Strewth’ anymore. It’s even showing up here as a spelling error. What a disgrace.
- Impossible to open packaging. For example, you know that precious two minutes of your morning that you set aside for brushing teeth? Expect it to blow out by at least 150% if you have to get a new toothbrush head out of its packet. And don’t think that a pair of bathroom scissors will help. Injuries are likely. And don’t get me started on those bits of plastic fastenings that hold toys in their boxes. I mean strewth.
FURTHER DISCLAMINER: I am aware that all of these things are minor irritants and not earth shattering or Aleppo, Fukushima or consumption.
And now, with all that off my chest (thank you), I am determined to get on with an irritant free day. At least until ten to three this afternoon.
Have a lovely one xx
I couldn’t agree with you more. But if I may add one… 11. Doctors Surgeries who wont administer a prescription that you have been taking all your life without an appointment. even when you’ve had the same GP for twenty-five years.
Yes I can see that would be annoying Richard. I guess they need to eyeball you as part of their code of practice. Pain in the arse though, and expensive no doubt. Thanks for reading.
This really made me laugh and is going straight to my three daughters who will also laugh (and sympathise.) And let’s start reviving strewth!
Pretty funny actually. Perhaps resist the temptation to write when feeling shitty! There are people out there designing jeans for women that don’t fit! Just another bad joke & he is probably a man.
Meg… I feel I can ease your pain a little by letting you know that the wrinkly skin on your elbow is often referred to a “weenus”…. I too have a huge weenus.
This is brilliant and has made my day. Thank you. x