My Not-On-Bucket-List List

I don’t know about you but I find it incredibly liberating when I come across an idea or a potential that I definitely DON’T want to try.

That’s because most of the time (when I’m not grumpy with it) I find this ol’ world so incredible full to overflowing with stuff that I reeeaaaaaallllly want to do. My bucket list needs the organised housewife to de-clutter it. In fact, I couldn’t even make a bucket list because I’d kick the bucket before I finished writing it.

In the last nine months as I project manage our house build and find that there are hundred shades of white and a trillion different tile shapes to choose from, I’ve discovered the thrill of finding something I don’t like. It’s like when you find a bit of clothing you can’t afford but can’t live without and you try it on and it looks shite and you breathe a sigh of relief, pop it back on the hanger and skip out feeling flushed with cash.

So I’m going to make a ‘Not on my bucket list list’ and then take everything else if the opportunity comes up and the time is right. Here goes:

I NEVER WANT TO:

1) Go to Antarctica

Never ever. I know, it’s beautiful and all but I can look at it in pictures and I hate being cold. It’s quite competitive to get there I think and so I’ll step aside for those people who are keen for ice magic and go to that Island called Mystique that was on a Bacardi ad in the 80’s. Always wanted to go there.

2) Jump out of a plane

I don’t go much on bodily risk, I’m a wimp. And that thing one’s face does when falling is just plain fugly. I’m not paying hundreds of dollars for that, I already fork out enough on face creams that will supposedly delay flaccid face syndrome. I’d probably pass out from the fright and not remember any of it anyway. Pass.

3) Buy a remote beach house

I already live in a house by the beach, miles from anywhere. Bugger spending my holidays in another one, probably with less comfortable amenities, no foxtel and a lot of shells on the bathroom window ledge. I have enough country quiet (possums rooting on the roof) in my life, gimme a lovely inner city guest house with day spas and theatres nearby for my holidays. And people; people everywhere please.

4) SCUBA dive

I’m the one who clings on for dear life when water skiing in case I fall off in deep water and have to talk myself out of Jaws thoughts. I’m the one who hurries over the kelpy underwater bits for the sandy blue bits and has to consciously not looks down or think about Steve Irwin or Harold Holt. I know, it’s the wimp thing again. But putting on a giant suction mask and some breathing apparatus so I can get up close to those very things I nightmare about is to me just out of the question. A snorkle and a clown fish is about my limit and even then I’m jumpy.

5) Go around Australia in a caravan with my kids. 

Refer here to see why this is another no-no for me. At least not for the next few years.

6) Go to Las Vegas 

Maybe I’ve watched too much telly but that place looks ghastly. The Gold Coast on ‘roids, with extra pokies. I don’t care if there’s a fuck off big canyon nearby, I don’t want to see a big old dusty earth crack either.

7) Get a Thermomix

I know they’re brilliant, I’ve seen one in action, heard all about them and tasted the results. I know they change lives and expand palettes and encourage good health, but for about $2K, if that baby doesn’t fold the washing and shag your husband then I’ll stick to my cast iron pots thanks. And I don’t want a green smoothie anyway – those foul beverages are surely going to be found carcinogenic one day.

8) Run a marathon

I ran a half marathon a few years ago – that’s 21.3 km. I ran the whole way in under 2 hours and felt very proud of myself. But the only way I got across the finish line was because my friend was chanting, “Labour was worse, labour was worse” in my ear and I needed desperately to do poos. My-body-is-in-protest kind of poos. I nearly sprinted the last bit because there were photographer’s everywhere who might well capture me in an explosive moment. No one tells you that long runs can bring on the trots (the sprints) but I’m telling you, they do. 42 km would see me plop out my tonsils.

9) Go in a hot air balloon

I’ve read Ian McEwan’s ‘Enduring Love’ and have been disturbed by the image of that poor man falling to his death from a wayward balloon ever since. It’s one of those images that comes back to me at random times and makes me shudder, a bit like the vision of a wedgetailed eagle flying off with a new lamb. Never going to end well. Pass on this one too.

10) Make love in the hay

I am so allergic to hay that if I rolled naked in it for long enough the hives would be bigger than my boobs, my lips would swell up and I’d sneeze out the contents of my brain. Romance at its best.

And that’s 10 things I can ditch, making more time for the infinite other things on my bucket list.

What’s on your not-on-bucket-list list?

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Categories: Navelgazery

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7 replies

  1. Cracking post as per usual. I’m with you on pretty much everything except #6. I would love to experience the ultimate in human tackiness. I think a couple of days would be more than enough to satisfy me.

  2. Alas, I have already done so many of the things on the not-on-my-bucket-list.

    But since you asked:

    African Safari

    India

    Run a business

    Sleep with a man.

    (I hasten to add that those are *not* things I have done).

  3. I’m with you on the safari Jeff but I wouldn’t mind having a wee geek at India one day. Depends on the business, depends on the man.

  4. Agree with most of yours, Meg. I would love a Thermomix but agree that at that price it should sleep with the husband – and clean the toilet, I reckon! And my kids are older so would love to travel around the country with them. But for the rest, you’re spot on!
    On my “not to do bucket list”: skydiving, parachuting, base jumping, learning to play golf, visit America, do some insanely long and boring hiking trek through some boring country, sleep with anybody (unless perhaps their initials are GC – you know who I mean!), run a marathon, climb Uluru, do cross- stitch!

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