Hello and welcome! I know I’m a bit late with my salutations – heck, you’ve almost been around for a whole month and I’ve ignored the crap out of you. Sorry about that. Here are my excuses:
1) Over Christmas/New Year I was very
pissed and hungover busy and tired and lost a few million brain cells fell behind on your goings on and my brain progress. I couldn’t think far beyond the next drink salad and sausage.
On New Years Eve, for instance, I was particularly busy. I had to Dance like everyone was watching. Well probably no one was watching but at the time it felt like all 12,000 or so New Year’s Eve Falls Festival goers were gazing in awe at my incredibly unique dancing style. Cool, head swishy, hip achey, clap handy moves with a bit of Irish dancing thrown in. Oh and a bit of classical ballet for the sake of grace (“See how long I can hold this pose!” shouts I to my friend from our bubble of coolness.) At some point we also had to assume brilliantly executed cockney accents so that everyone would think we were uber-glamorous (mature age) backpackery festival followers from the East End (except the barman, he said the accents were shite so we tried French. Much better). I for one believed in myself fully. Loved myself sick actually. Literally. For the first time in forever I was dancing without kids to live music amongst thousands of orange teenagers and it felt awesome.
Then I woke up the next morning and 2014 was not looking so awesome. Still getting flash backs about some fella dressed as a tiger and us tweaking his tail and shouting, “Go get ’em tiger!” then laughing hysterically and generally behaving like puerile nointers.
But what I learnt from that – because I’m trying to extract brain progress from idiocracy – is that by God it is good to dance all night. So please 2014, dance with me? Come on, boring and sensible is so 2013.
2) I went
camping glamping and was cut off from all civilisation. Well okay there were hot showers, flushing loos, a coffee machine and places to charge your phone but still, I was very busy trying to be outdoorsy and relaxed about putting dirty feet in a sleeping bag and not applying mascara. Between that and the mosquitoes and ghost stories and having to pretend I didn’t have an economy sized pack of antibacterial wipes in my handbag it was exhausting.
What I learnt: Maria Island, Tasmania, is a truly lovely place. It doesn’t have room service but it sure has some magic. Also, I learnt to (almost) believe in fate – the only three days we could get a booking fell just as summer finally wheeled out the sun and ended just as a ukulele conference turned up on the ferry. Wins.
3) My children have been on school holidays and there has been no escape. I’ve been a slave to sunscreen, sand removal, watermelon cutting and constant questions: “Mum, did you know Jesus?”, “Mum are you a boy or a girl?” or “Mum why are you hiding in the linen cupboard?” NB If I hear “I’m hungry” one more time I will ship all 3 of them off to famine stricken regions of the world and make them live on turnip chats for 3 months.
Truth be known, with the weeks since my last bit of alone time ticking by and my tolerance levels at an all time low, I have been a bit of a cow. I’m all “Don’t put that sandy hand in the chip packet”, “No you can’t have cocopops for dinner, oh go on then”, “Put your dirty clothes back on I’m NOT doing any more washing” and “Shut up you little fuckwits.” So maybe the last one was just in my head but still, one shouldn’t be calling one’s offspring fuckwits even silently should one? What I have learnt: Mothers need rostered days off, a washing service and for people to stop moving the scissors.
4) I discovered, after 8 years of chronic skin rashes/hives/eczema, I am histamine intolerant. Therefore I have had to get used to an elimination diet of no flavour and worse, no alcohol. I’ve been grieving. No wine or vodka to help me get through daily disgrunts (see excuse 3), no cheese, no dressings, no mushrooms. I love mushrooms. But I have to stop whinging because for the most part (excepting a run in with some abalone and a weeny glass of vodka), I am ITCH FREE for the first time in years. Enough about that though, boring boring. Except to say please 2014, keep me scratch free as I introduce the things I love. Please. What I’ve learnt: Vanilla ice cream is low histamine and THANK GOD FOR IT.
5) (BRAG ALERT) My Mum received an Order of Australia on Australia Day. I had to pause and puff up and feel very very proud for a while. What I learnt: My mum is exceptionally clever AND a wonderful mum. I adores her so, she is meritorious (just learnt that word, it means worthy of merit) in many ways. AND I learnt that an AM is a Member of the Order of Australia while OAM is a Medal of the Order of Australia. The member is more prestigious that the medal, just a mere few steps away from a Dame.
Here she is. My Mumble, the “Toast of the Nation” (funny, I would have though vegemite toast would have laid claim to that title years ago. Aw sorry that gag was weak as wee – which is not weak if it’s the wee you do on the morning of the 1st of January after dancing all night and drinking quite a few UDL’s).
6) (BRAG ALERT 2) My little musical premieres tomorrow and I’ve had to stop, feel nervous, write a speech, think about my hair and retrain in grooming that doesn’t involve washing face in salt water and applying zinc. It’s all very exciting really. It’s screening for industry people, cast, crew and hopefully no critics.
Anyway, enough about me – what, 2014, have you been doing? I need a precis of your latest happenings, a reversal of my holiday crazed, news deprived brain and resulting mute dumbo disorder please. Oh wait, look at the time. I need sleep and before that I just have a little bit of the new Brigid Jones to go – great holiday reading don’t you know. Can we catch up tomorrow maybe?
Thanks for understanding.
PS I think you’re pretty good so far. This time last year I was over 2013 already.