School holidays are not a great time for serious research or brain re-booting. As a result Megoracle has little to offer in the way of in-depth context reportage (I like reportage more than reporting, seems more important, like personage as opposed to person. When I grow up I want to be a personage).
What a friend of mine observed about these holidays as they draw to a close is that this 4 term business (new to Tasmanians) takes the pressure off the holidays a bit. They used to be all, “Right-o everyone this is precious time off so hurry up and sleep a lot, experience a lot, have a lot of fun and be together as a family without getting grumpy or sick or annoyed with each other so HURRY UP AND LOOK CHEERFUL”. This time I just let things be a bit ordinary. We played a lot of monolpoly, cleaned up the garden, sorted out the playroom and hung about in our pyjamas a lot. And it was very nice thank you very much.
Anyway, back to reportage. In lieu of detailed details I am going to briefly investigate some issues niggling at me since I saw/heard/glimpsed something about them…
1) Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc Reminds me of someone
I swear, every time that little green dude opened his mouth I was reminded very strongly of a person I know. I wish I could ask the opinions of others on this but I can’t be so cruel as to name names. The person is not green or pea shaped and has two eyes so how can this be? Maybe I’m the weird one.
Incidentally, the movies cost over $70 for my children and I and three small popcorns – WTF??? Last time I went (circa 1996) I am sure it wasn’t that steep. And I’m told that the big cinemas take up to 50% of film profits as well as robbing us blind over a bit of popped corn and a grotty seat. Criminal.
2) We have Krudd back
I know the great Rudd comeback happened before the holidays but it’s taken me this long to get over the fact that we have the Great Nerdage back in the hot seat. For the record, I think that Julia had NO SPACE TO EVEN BREATHE let alone do what she was capable of as PM. I also feel a bit outraged that political parties are making most of the leadership decisions in both state and federal politics lately. How about a bit of democracy peeps? This whole shuffle-kerfuffle-lets-get-the-votes-the-polls-are-scary shite is UNAUSTRALIAN.
3) My washing is magic
I feel at war with mother nature in winter when it comes to washing. I am a stickler for air drying in order to save power etc and love nothing better than to sneak the washing out in some opportune sunshine and winter breeze then get it back in all dry just before damp nightfall or the next spot of rain.
But these holidays I was in relaxed mode and mother nature had it all over me. Not only that, she and the washing were in cahoots. On two occasions I belted out to the washing line and grabbed everything off as the rain started, got it all in (with a victorious snigger) only to later see from the bathroom window that I’d missed a few things, now hanging bedraggled and dripping and sadly neglected. How could I miss them? Twice? I was so careful. The second time a cookaburra laughed from the fence post just by the line. It’s the conspiracy of the disappearing/reappearing washing and nature is laughing at me. Truly, something stinks in the world of washing.
4) Egypt had a coup
On July 3rd, Egyptian military overthrew leader Mohammed Morsi and suspended the Egyptian constitution because of popular public opposition to his party’s (Muslim Brotherhood) Islamist regime. An interim president was instated, Morsi was put under house arrest and Muslim Brotherhood leaders imprisoned. Pro-Morsi protesters continue to show their fury, scores of people have died and the pressure is on to release him. Egypt is essentially in a bit of a religious-clashy mess really – an extension of the revolutionary turmoil that has plagued the country since at least 2011.
If you haven’t already seen this, here’s a rather impressive 12 year old giving you his perspective on it all from the ground. WOW, this little dude gets my vote.
5) Wrinkle cream had a coup
Oh dammit I know I said I wouldn’t but I did – I gave in to more anti wrinkle marketing and bought some new product, rationalising it with, “Well maybe it’s been invented since I did my last bit of wrinkle cream research” and “It’s so cheap, what can I lose?” Well given by the Indian fella on the end of the phone’s hard sell (yep it was One of Those) and his rapid-fire, comprehensive (went on forever) terms and conditions, I could well have signed off on losing my children, my dog and my uggboots in exchange for the little package of shame that turned up last week. What’s worse is that I took the call in the supermarket (“It will only take a few minutes of your time”) and while I was giving my life details my 3 year old wandered off with her kiddy trolley. I eventually found her wailing and surrounded by concerned looking shoppers, whom I nodded at gratefully while Mr Wrinkle Cream went on about me handing over life savings or some such thing. I tried to put on a, “This is a very important work call” kind of face but was met by disapproving stares and someone muttering, “traumatic for a little girl”. Did I hang up? Nope. I finished the order. And now I have more little pots of ‘miracle cream’ and more anxiety lines on my face. I’m such a bad mothersucker.
6) MONA is the coolest part of Tasmania
In fact, I’m not sure Tasmania is ready for all the cool-ness. We did the touristy thing and took the children there on the MR-1 ferry during the holidays. I think it’s truly wonderful, I do, but when I’m there I just don’t feel like I’m in Tasmania. I know this is a good thing, but even the staff seem like they’ve all been imported from the world’s cool spots. There is nothing remotely dorky about it and everything slightly or very intimidating. At one point – when I was peering at an enormous, life like worm with a human face slithering among gravestones, I actually pinched myself. Little ol’ Tassie eh?
During Dark MOFO we had a massive (and beautiful) light speering miles into our sky and a large balloon whale with multiple boobs floating above our capital. It’s like something out of Alice in Wonderland. I’m not criticizing or judging, I’m just saying it’s kind of brilliantly ridiculous and not quite real. I hope the balloon never pops.
7) Those kid questions
There are a few of these when you’re just hanging out with your children with nothing in particular to do. Here’s some examples: “Mum, what are you?” ; “Mum are you texting your boyfriend?” and “So how come we didn’t pop out of your tummy until Dad came along?” (eeek) and my personal favourite, “Today is very sunny so will tonight be very moony?”
8) Never Fart in a Faerie Shop
One of my children (shall remain nameless in case I damage their future opportunities and relationships) farted loudly in The Faerie Shop. No one farts in a faerie shop that spells faerie faerie; they mean business. Any sort of fart in my family illicits a response of extreme hilarity and this one was a blooper (my dad’s name for a loud one, as opposed to the smaller threap and zephyr varieties). It was so loud that once we’d stopped laughing I though I should apologise to the faerie behind the counter. She ignored me. This to me indicated extreme disapproval which of course had me laughing harder, to the extent that I had to gather up the children and get out of there even though they hadn’t yet chosen their wishing stones. It’s likely that the faerie cast a spell on us as we left because when I got back to the car I had a parking ticket. A day later two of us came down with a nasty virus and the fart perpetrator developed bottom spots. Hold your sphincters when you enter the realm of the faeries people.
I had some naive belief that The Troubles between Protestants and Catholics in Ireland were a thing of the past. But there was more violence earlier this week in the Northern Ireland capital of Belfast when a Protestant organisation called the Orange Order went ahead with a banned annual parade. The Orange Order is strongly tied with Unionism and describes its activities as in defence of Protestant civil and religious liberties. The Order’s opponents describe it using serious words like sectarian, triumphalist and supremacist (let me know if you want me to bump out of holiday brain and supply definitions). Northern Ireland Police, in trying to halt the parade, were attacked with bricks, bits of masonry, petrol bombs and other sundry missiles. 39 of them were injured. Makes me wonder what’s going to happen this time next year when the Orange Order tries their parade antics again.
10) Monopoly is fun for all the family
When my twins turned 7 on the first day of the holidays they were given Monopoly and all the memories came flooding back. What a great game, no wonder it’s a classic. And so helpful. No one was allowed to collect any community chest treats unless they could read at least a bit of the card. And no one was allowed to advance until they added up the dice correctly. Harsh I know but how their reading and adding improved. My only gripe is that it goes on forfuckingever. Tip – buy up all the utilities and stations, I kicked butt.
11) Royal Babyage Born
I don’t think I need to say any more about this, except that I think it’s lovely for his Mumage and Dadage and that I applaud their hand in re-popularising the Royal family in Britain.
12) The Kruddy treatment of Asylum seekers
Speaking of babies, meanwhile back in the violent waters near Christmas Island and in stark contrast to events in England, a nameless, faceless Sri Lankan baby boy drowns when his asylum seeker boat capsized. Another boat sank just today, leaving another baby boy and a 10 year old girl dead off the coast of Java in Indonesia. Yes something has to be done to stop these tragedies happening at sea but Mr Rudd, Kevin (may I call you Kevin or shall I just go with Dickwad?) your cold hearted actions do nothing to warm my heart to your election ambitions. Picture this you heartless bastard:
You are a Sri Lankan Tamil. By association with the Tamil Tigers (you are not one), your life is at constant risk. Already your father, your brother and your nephews have been killed as the Sri Lankan Government targeted areas occupied by Tamil Tigers. You pack up your family and get on a boat from Northern Sri Lanka. You’ve heard that Australian is a safe place and for now that is all you can hope for. It takes you 11 moths to get to Indonesia via South India and Malaysia. On the way, your 3 year old boy dies from an illness you can’t name. In Indonesia you find a people smuggler and hand over your life savings for a place on a decrepit boat. The journey is terrifying, the seas are huge and you and your family are very ill. Then the worst happens and the boat capsizes. You are eventually pulled from the water by Australian Customs officials but your wife and your two remaining children are nowhere to be found, presumed drowned. The authorities tell you that you will not be going anywhere near Australia, but to third world Papua New Guinea, a country with a notoriously high crime rate, barely able to support its own. And what’s more, because you tried to enter Australia illegally, you have blown every chance at ever making it your home. By now you don’t care what happens next, you just wish you were dead.
Come on Mr Rudd. In 2009 you were investigating migration strategies to allow asylum seekers to find safety in Australia legally and without the risk of dying at sea. Strategies that will reduce the incentive to seek out people smugglers. What happened to that idea? Another pointless, empty exercise aimed at making you look good? Please, please, please tell us that this new display of heartlessness is just a knee jerk reaction to the latest deaths at sea and that better, more humane solutions are in development. Please.
Here’s some asylum seeker context in case you need it.
13) Lemon Sherbet sweets are lovely
That’s it really, just that I’d forgotten and I wanted to end on a nice note. What other childish lovelies have I forgotten?
14) Nothing, just that 14 is luckier than 13
Categories: Navelgazery, Newsteller
Tags: Asylum seekers, Belfast riots, drowned baby, Egypt coup, faeries, fairies, farts, Kate Middleton, Kevin Rudd, kid questions, Lemon Sherbet, Mike wazowski, MONA, monopoly, monsters inc, Royal Baby, Sri Lanka, Sri Lankamn refugee, wrinkle cream
A loud one, whether in a faerie shop or wherever, may be a blooper – for me for evermore it will be a “big knell” or maybe just a “bignell”
Brilliant. And there are certain members of the Bignell family (not me of course, I just married one) who a frequent Big Knellers.