korea mapAnd the Biggest Cockhead of the decade award goes to: KIM JONG UN of North Korea. I’d put my money on the fact that this arsehole has a very small penis. If he wasn’t born into his position as leader of the last country under (what he claims to be) communist rule, I’d imagine he’d be the bitterly dysfunctional teen plotting massacres between wanks in his college dorm.

He’s the loose cannon threatening the world with long-range nuclear missiles and releasing stories of questionable integrity to scare the bejesus out of his people and America. He, like the family dynasty before him, keep secret much of what they have done to their country, but there is little doubt that the place is a hive of brainwashing, paranoia, lies, human rights abuses and economic decay.

I have had a small look at the official website of North Korea and other associated propaganda, which paints a frankly creepy picture of love and harmony while the place actually seems to be one big, terrifying joke. Here’s just one example: Kim Jong Un’s father and predecessor Kim Jong-Il had schools teach their students that his birth triggered the appearance of masses of rainbows, and that he doesn’t poo. No wonder he was so full of shit.

History Please (and make it snappy) 

Korea was a colony of Japan from 1910 to 1945, when Japan was defeated in World War 2. The peninsula of Korea was split into 2 countries along the 38th parallel by US administration, with the South becoming a republic (Republic of Korea) and the North establishing communist rule (The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea). Tensions were immediate as both countries wished to reunify Korea under their own Government.

In June 1950, North Korea invaded the South and the Korean War began.  Notably, the UN (mainly the US) entered the conflict on the South Korean side, while China and the USSR fought alongside North Korea. Fighting continued until an armistice was signed in 1953.

The 38th Parallel became a demilitarized zone with soldiers patrolling each side. Millions of families are still separated and the tension between the two countries simmers.

But the main history shaper for North Korea has been the family of fuckwits in charge. It’s “Great Leader”, Kim Il-sung, controlled political affairs for almost half a century and was succeeded by his son and now, grandson.

The Tower of Juche

The Tower of Juche: Concrete evidence of small penis syndrome

After the Korean War, Kim Il-sung imposed his personal philosophy, “Juche” on his people. Juche directs that the people of Korea must be self-reliant, that they are the masters of the country’s development. It was extended between 1950 and 1970 into a set of principles that basically justifies any fucked up old decision the rulers make. A notable Juche application is,

“…moulding people ideologically as communists and mobilizing them to constructive action”

Il-Sung emphasized the importance of the people learning their history and developing a strong sense of patriotism, which in his crazed brain meant telling them (in basic Megoracle terms) that the whole world is evil and plotting against them and that everyone but North Korea are a bunch of deadshits not to be trusted. Baby North Koreans are raised on a diet of propaganda that depicts North Korea as a racially pure nation surrounded by US-led enemies threatening to invade the country and enslave the people.

Kim Il-sung died in 1994, but as a result of his creation of the principles that underlie daily North Korean living, the post of president has been assigned “eternally” to him. His son, Kim Jong-Il – another sociopathic lunatic – took over.

South Korea has thrived as a republic, its economy boosted by industry, while North Korea’s economy has steadily declined. South Korea held up an olive branch in the form of aid and while North Korea readily accepted the aid they essentially told the south to shove their olive branch by building up their military force and waving nuclear weapons about willy nilly like they are nerf guns. As a  result, South Korea and the US withdrew their food aid and the people began to starve.

South Korea made further moves toward peace, with their president, Kim Dae-jung‘s visiting the North in 2000. Seoul’s “sunshine policy” towards the North aimed to encourage change through dialogue and food aid and resulted in a relative ‘thaw’ of tensions between the two nations.

How are things in North Korea these days?

It is reported by aid agencies that up to 2 million people have died since the mid 90’s, succumbing to food shortages caused by natural disasters and financial mismanagement. Without foreign aid, millions more would have died.

The totalitarian regime has also been accused of gross human rights abuses. Reports of torture, public executions, slave labour, infantacide and forced abortions have emerged via defectors. It is estimated that there are up to 200,000 political prisoners in North Korea.

North Korea prides itself one of the world’s largest armies and militarism is present and normal in everyday life. Daily work is set into a military framework and citizens are given better chances at life if they serve in the military. But it is reported that standards of training, discipline and equipment in the force are sub-standard.

Programs to reunite families separated by the Korean War are being set in motion. South Korea has built a resort near the border in North Korea dedicated to ‘reunion holidays’ between families separated by the Korean War. Sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Hatred and fear for Americans is still instilled in every North Korean from an early age. They are plied with images depicting evil Americans every day.

Minolta DSC

This is contrasted with the saccharin, happy-family image of the Kim dynasty.


How Real is the Nuclear Threat? 

I may have small penis, but I have bloody great missile

I may have small penis, but I have bloody great missile

Well, while it’s hard to know what to believe amongst the furfey-ridden dialogue coming from North Korea,  there is strong evidence that we should pay attention:

  • In 2002, the baby steps toward peace were tramplebacked when Pyongyang decided to expell foreign inspectors and reactivate a nuclear reactor.
  • In 2006, North Korea claimed that it had successfully tested a nuclear weapon. This sparked fear throughout the region, as well as a panic of intensive diplomatic negotiations aimed at curbing the nuclear ambitions. In 2007, a deal was arrived at which saw North Korea agreeing to the shutdown of its main nuclear reactor in return for aid and diplomatic concessions. But the deal fell through amid claims by North Korea that the said obligations were not being met.
  • In 2008, things started to get shakier when a new South Korean President ended the Sunshine Policy and then in 2009, North Korea walked out of further international talks attempting to end the nuclear activity.  Just to shove it right up their critics, North Korea blew up another nuclear weapon in an underground test and anounced that they’d decided not to be bound by the 1953 armistice anymore. I imagine a petulant stamp of the foot.
  • Tantrums continued when the US imposed tougher sanctions on North Korea, but major floods in the region saw Kim Jong-Il accept aid from the South.
  • In December 2011, Kim Jon-un stepped up, along with his apparent third-son-little-man-with-something-to-prove attitude and  the nuclear threat escalated. He announced a forthcoming “rocket-launched satellite” for April, to mark Kim Il-Sung’s birthday. This launch never happened.
  • In October 2012 North Korea responded to the unveiling of a new missile deal between Seoul and Washington by declaring that it had missiles capable of hitting the US mainland. A December satellite launch suggested that North Korea is indeed developing the rocket technology, and brought immediate condemnation from the UN, US, Japan and China.
  • Within a month, the UN Security Council condemned the launch and North Korea gave that the bird by announcing that it planned a third “high-level nuclear test” as well as practising more long-range rocket launches aimed at the US. It carried out its threat to perform a third nuclear test in February 2013, and the UN imposed quickly bunged on a few more sanctions.
  • Undaunted and puffed up, North Korea threatened South Korea and the USA with war and declared a restart to all facilities at its main nuclear complex, while also offering to restart talks if UN sanctions are dropped.

Should we be worried?

Well there is opinion that the nuclear huff and puffery is all a lot of of posturing and empty threats; that images released by North Korea indicating the legitimacy of nuclear threat are fabricated. Earlier this year, the North Korean media agency released photos of their naval activity, which appeared to be photoshopped to increase the number of warships. Most analysts agree that North Korea doesn’t have the ability to carry out their missile threats on the US.

The Photoshop Assault

The Photoshop Assault

There have been warlike ‘movements’ between the US and North Korea. South Korea tells of activity at South Korean missile sites, while the US has sent jet fighters to hang out in Seoul as a warning to Pyongyang.

Yesterday an ex CIA chief advised President Obama not to underestimate Jong-un and to seriously consider a ‘surgical’ strike over the current ongoing diplomatic negotiations to show he means business when it comes to long-range missile threats.

I’m not sure if that’s necessary, but I do think that this Kim Jong-un is a madman running a rogue-show, and that to ignore him and treat him like the spoilt brat man-child he is will only inflame him and steel his resolve. This is a bloke who thinks he can have anything he wants, and maybe he wants world domination.

And if we’re not getting overly worried about nuclear threats, then I think we need to be worried about the people of North Korea. What terrible secrets is this country hiding beyond the nasty bits and pieces leaked out by defectors? Foreign media is not allowed into the country, nor are tourists unless they join groups guided to all the right, shiny-happy bits. There are food shortages, exacerbated by sanctions and pig headed rulers spending resources on the military. People are starving, others are incarcerated for speaking out or being South Korean. Millions are still separated from their families.

As a mother with experience in bad mother moments and a fascination with pushy dance-mums, I worry for the little children being choreographed into mindless empties designed to show the world what a showpiece of democracy their country is.

'we love our father Kim Jong-un, he is our god'

‘we love our father Kim Jong-un, he is our god’

'We are dying'

‘We are dying’

A last bit of (alleged) craziness from the lovely Kims

  • It is rumoured that Kim Jong-un has undergone a few plastic surgery sessions to make him look like the ‘Great Ruler’, his grandfather Kim Il-sung.
  • Kim Jong-Il had his childhood school blown up because he thought it might be producing too many more brilliant people like himself.
  • Kim Jong-Il loved film so much that he kidnapped two South Korean film makers so he could make his own. He did – a d-grade rip off of Godzilla.
  • Kim Jong-Il had himself injected with the blood of virgins to keep himself young.
  • Kim Jong-Il claimed to have shot 11 holes in one and shoot 18 holes in a score better than the best golfers in the world, ever.
  • Kim Jong-Il killed his brother in a swimming pool when he was 5.
  • They commissioned the building of the best and most luxurious hotel in the world – with 7 revolving restaurants, 7,000 guest rooms, casinos and nightclubs. The Ryugyong Hotel was to cost $750 million – 2% of the country’s GDP. Construction halted for 17 years, complete with a rusting crane sitting on top. People were not allowed to walk near it for danger of collapse and it was often photoshopped out of North Korean post cards. Construction is said to be now complete, but the pyramid that dominates the skyline is still not open. A poignant symbol of the extreme dysfunction that is North Korea?

    Hotel of Doom

    Hotel of Doom

Categories: Newsteller

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4 replies

  1. Love your style: like, tell us what you really think of him! Perhaps he’ll start injecting Kim Kardashian’s blood, and really strut his stuff!
    BTW – your “furfey” is quite demonstrable, sending me to an Urban Dictionary to check, finding:
    “furphy – Australia rumor: a rumor or piece of gossip, especially one that is not true ( slang )
    Early 20th century. After the Furphy family, manufacturers of water carts (where troops swapped gossip) in Australia during World War I “

    • Oops, should have googled it myself. Furfey must the the megoracle version – i.e. a very dramatic furphy, slightly otherworldly as per ‘fey’. KK is far from being a virgin but the effects would probably be more spectacular – i.e. bottom swelling etc. Love a good gossip over the water cart.

  2. I have always found that the guy with the small penises are much nicer people than the guys with big ones as those dudes are ALWAYS wankers!

  3. Meg, you should read “escape from camp 14” by Blair harden. Scary stuff.

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