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Category Archives: Brush Up On

Brush Up On: TALKING WEATHER WITH SURFERS

Posted on May 10, 2013 by Meg Bignell

I am in regular contact with surfers. No I am not a surfer. Dude. I just live at the gateway to a bit of a surf break. One day recently when I was walking the dog along the beach, I was told by a pretty surfie chick in skinny jeans and ugg boots that our beach break (known to locals as Eagle’s Reef or North Marion) is FULLY SICK. That particular day there were twenty or so surfers on the reef and I thought it looked plain scary. If I’d been cast adrift out there I would have been fully sick too. All over the surf board.

Anyway, I should know more about when to predict upcoming fully sickness and when there might be mad surfers trying to get quick access through our private property to the waves. Then I could tell the children not to ride their bikes on the drive way. But I know squat. And this from a former weather girl. I know, shameful.

Here's one good reason to brain up on weather patterns.

Here’s one good reason to brain up on weather patterns.

Surfers, on the other hand, are addicted to the feeling they get when riding a wave, which means they are obsessed with finding a rideable wave, which means they are obsessed with watching weather patterns that may produce a rideable wave, which means they know their weather. They are also pretty cool dudes and if you want to impress them don’t make lame attempts at speaking their lingo, just talk weather like you know what they’re looking for…

It helps to know that Huey, the Oz god of weather (worshipped and berated by farmers and surfers alike) works the surf using pressure. Pressure turns into wind, then swell, then waves. To flesh this out a bit;

A combination of low and high pressure systems (measured in hectopascals on a synoptic chart and abbreviated to ‘highs’ and ‘lows’) creates constant air movement as air in a low rises and needs replacing by air from a high pressure area. This movement is commonly known as wind. The greater the difference between lows and highs, the stronger the winds. On a synoptic chart, lines that are close together indicate strong winds.

Low pressure systems are generally the swell forming kind. Wind generates swell, which turns into waves as it approaches the shore.

3 wind factors determine the size of the swell – the wind strength in a low pressure storm, the duration of the storm and the distance over which the wind blows (the fetch). Combine strong winds, a big ol’ storm and a long fetch and step aside grommets, the big fellas are comin’.

Swell comes in two forms – ground swell and wind swell. Wind swell is formed by short fetch winds near or at the time of observation. It can create messy, choppy waves and is generally uncool. Long fetch winds generate ground swell which can travel up to thousands of kilometres from their origin. Ground swell creates nice clean, regular waves with lulls between sets.

Waves vary in height and character according to many factors including seabed topography, swell size, water depth, wind strength

This 1967 long-fetch storm generated huge waves that washed away the beaches of the Gold Coast.

This 1967 long-fetch storm generated huge waves that washed away the beaches of the Gold Coast.

and land aspect. Plunging waves (as opposed to spillers) with a progressive break (as opposed to a wave whose entire length breaks simultaneously) are the highest and most thrilling to surf – a board can be maneuvered on the wave front just ahead of the break.

Other factors that will see surfers getting all horned up (excited) include:

  • open oceans – which get bigger waves due to the longer fetch
  • offshore winds – which blow from the land towards the sea, clean up the surface of the ocean and push up the face of the waves, giving them order. Onshore winds make for uneven swell and messy waves.

Crikey, no wonder surfers are always darting off at the most inappropriate times (like when their wives are in the early stages of labour or from the scene of a car accident) – ideal conditions appear hard to come by. This explains why surfing is more of a lifestyle than a hobby.

Rightio then, I feel like a bit of a wicked dude now. Also, I may no longer think of a bag of brightly coloured sweets when I hear the word ‘hecticpascals’.

Any surfie peeps out there – feel free to critique, add, subtract. I am no expert, and am starting to feel slightly, if not fully sick at all the talk of waves.

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Brush Up On: MUSIC

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Meg Bignell

Well this could be committing blog suicide – I’m about to reveal my music tastes and possibly lose many of my followers (which are few and very hard won so it would be a shame), but it really is time for me to brush up on music – I’m still listening to Wham. I really am…“Another summer, another vacation is over…” And then, I had a dalliance with Damian Leith, because his voice drew me in and, well he’s Irish and all Irishmen are cool yes? No, apparently not.

But then the other day I was introduced to Birdie singing Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love” (thanks Jane). My eyes filled up, my tummy flip-flopped and I remembered that there is a whole world of this kind of musical beauty out there just waiting to have this kind of visceral effect on me. And I realised that I am no longer cool. Was perhaps never cool. Surely not, Wham were always cool weren’t they? Particularly when you add the !

So I gave a bit of a call out (or to coin a more appropriate – slightly bogan – expression, a ‘sing out’) to my friends to help get with the groove. Wait, that’s not cool either is it? Is ‘cool’ even cool? Anyway, I have worked my way through everyone’s recommendations, which took AGES but can’t really be described as work. It was enlightening and fun and inspiring and everyone should do it.

I didn’t like all I heard, and I was going to critique all of it, but it was too huge a task and would have turned into my longest winded post ever (and I know, that’s saying something). So I’m just going to list the besties, which I am more comfortable with anyway because I don’t feel qualified to say negative stuff about music because frankly I know more about algebra. I won’t be talking genres or styles or anything technical, just how the music feels to me.

What I did figure out is that I’m a song girl, which means that while I can appreciate talent etc, I am more likely to be won over by a song than by an artist, which means I am the perfect i-pod, i-tunes user because I don’t want whole albums, I want that song I heard in that nice cafe and that other one I heard on the Brigid Jones soundtrack. I might listen to more of the artist’s work but most often won’t take to it in the same way. So I will be listing the artist and the song that hooked me in.

Anyway, on with it. My newly discovered, top 10 favourite musical sensations, in no particular order (I’ll spare you my old ones except to say they include John Denver):

BIRDY 

She is a (FO) 14 year old Brttish girl (real name Jasmine Van der Bogaerde) who hit the big time with her first release – a cover of Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love”. It hit number 1 in Australia. She released her first albumn, Birdy, late last year.

[Before I go on, the lyrics to Skinny Love troubled me ("Suckle on the hope in light brassiere" WTF?) until I searched for their meaning and found that a skinny love is a love that is malnourished and cannot be sustained. Bon Iver was not singing to his petite girlfriend with small bra.]

The Hook: Well I think I held my breath all the way through Skinny Love because of its sheer beauty. It literally stopped me in my tracks and reached all those cobwebby parts of me that hadn’t stirred since Bono told me all he wants is me. I wanted to listen to it all day – and did, still am at regular intervals, as well as trying to sing it myself with my guitar (ba-bow). NB the original version doesn’t move me in the same way. Sorry Bon dude.

The Artist: While her voice has me mesmerised and most of it has that superb, haunting feel without being overproduced, none of the other songs had the same effect on me as Skinny Love. “Never Forget You” is lovely, as is “1901″, and I’m terribly impressed with her piano playing. And given that she’s only 14 I can’t wait to see what’s to come out of this warbling baby Birdy. She gets 8/10 + 2 for sheer potential. I want to listen to her while rowing a clinker on a lake.

RODRIGUEZ / SUGAR MAN

Sixto Rodriguez

This is amazing stuff… This dude is the subject of a recent documentary, Searching for Sugarman. Detroit based Sixto Rodrigeuz recorded his first albumn, Cold Fact in 1969. It flopped. Rodriguez disappeared back into work, study, local politics and the real world. Meantime – and unbeknowns to him or the US public – he rose as a cult figure in South Africa, becoming the soundtrack to liberation from apartheid. His fans believed rumours that he had died in a variety of bizarre ways. By 1998 he was playing sold out arena shows in South Africa and Australia. Now, he is back in the spotlight with the release of the doco. An unorthodox success story.

The Hook: Sugarman is the single I first heard and the one that pulled me in (along with some influence from his story no doubt). It is a simple melody with superb lyrics. It features some out there (slightly spooky and one screechy) sound effects which I’m not sure about, and makes me wonder whether said Sugarman is a coke dealer, but it is a lovely trip. It’s particularly nice with the retrospective knowledge that this singer was lost to the world for a while. Sort of wistful, nostalgic, poetic, slightly dusty. If I had a vintage shop I’d play it there all the time. I’d love to have a vintage shop.

The Artist: His albumn, Cold Fact, is filled with thoughtful, intelligent songs that don’t faff about too much with musical gymnastics and dramatics. I could be way off but it sort of reminds me of a cross between Bob Dylan and Neil Diamond. Rodriguez is a poet with a brilliant, hearty voice. I think “I Wonder” would have been another hook for me had I heard it first. He’s a wonderer like me. “Wonder I do….” Should be played on vinyl.

CLARE BOWDITCH 

I’d heard of Clare Bowditch well before her role on my favourite telly show, Offspring , but there is no doubt I paid her more attention after. I love this chick. She’s the same age as me, is a mother, a writer, a social justice and environmental advocate, a mentor to emerging creatives, a social commentator and clearly she and I would be best friends forever if we actually knew each other. She is also utterly beautiful and sings like a fair dinkum angel.

The Hook: Yes well it was definitely, “You Make Me Happy”, the song she wrote for Offspring and her fist to reach the Top 40. It was love at first listen, and I don’t think it’s because she sang it with one of my idols, Eddie Perfect (who by the way wrote this hilarious song for Offspring). I have it in the car and my children love it too. That voice, that tune…sublime. 

The Artist: Well of course Clare’s voice would pull all over songs over the line for me, the songs I don’t like as much are the ones when I can’t hear it as clearly as I’d like – the faster ones. “Songbird” is another beauty. I just love that her voice is so unaffected – no exaggerated accents, no contrived quirky peculiarities*. I’d listen to Clare anytime, and do.

THE KILLERS 

This is an American rock outfit (note lingo use) formed in 2001 but sound like circa 1987. They have sold over 15 million albums worldwide and I’ve only just heard of them.  They made it big in 2003 when they signed with a British label and will be headlining Australia’s Big Day Out in 2013. Woop.

The Hook: Well these fellas had me at “Runaways” – the first single from their latest record. I just love it; it’s all ‘smoking bark on the beach on a long summer night wishing you could kiss The Boy’. I feel like I can do anything to this song: housework, running training, drown out the kids and dream I’m a nineteen year old rock star, dance, run away…

The Artists: Most of the Killers songs I’ve heard have touched me in similar ways – I feel like they are singing about my teenagerhood. Hormonal nostalgia fills me when I listen to them, in a similar way to the Don Henley song “Boys of Summer”, what a classic (or is that just daggy?). Lead singer Brandon Flowers (hot BTW) has a killer voice (ha ha). But who is he reminding me of? Are they some kind of 80′s tribute band to songs just out of my memory’s reach? It’s like trying to remember a name on the tip of my tongue. It’s killing me, (hee hee). Wait, is it Duran Duran? This is music I would blast through my speakers when I have a party in the shearing shed (unlikely but hey). It makes me want to be 17 again (also unlikely).

FLORENCE & THE MACHINE 

Oh so I’ve fallen in love with another voice that relies on pure beauty rather than quirks*. Florence & The Machine are a British indie band made up of lead singer Florence Welch, Isabella (Machine) Summers and a collaboration of other backing artists. They kicked butt right from the start with their debut album, Lungs (great name) hit number 1 in the UK charts and winning multiple awards.

The Hook: Well I have to admit that in this instance it wasn’t a song that hooked me, it was The Voice of Florence (it deserves capitals). This is a truly powerful voice; you can’t not listen to it. In fact I had heard The Voice before I’d heard of the band or any of their songs.I was given the name of the band as something I should listen to and I listened to “Never Let Me Go”, which was familiar, very beautiful and all, but just so, I don’t know, big.

The Artists All the songs are big power ballad kind of affairs. But I most often like the beginning and endings of them, when Flo isn’t at her most powerful. I’d really like to hear her sing an an entire song without belting (a new singing expression I’ve just learnt, which is basically when singers sing loudly in the their higher register – in their chest voices as opposed to their head voices). I think this band is amazing and if they toured to Tasmania I would JUMP to see them. They would be astonishing live (and that’s something coming from me given that I don’t often get huge thrills from live music). Also great cinema music. Florence and the Machine lose points only because I am jealous and because if I try to sing along I sound like a try hard trying hard and look like I’m going to bust something vital. Singalongability (and not busting something vital) is very important to me.

TRAIN

Well I pretty much like this band because the lead singer, Pat Monahan, is adorable (well his talent and the band’s songwriting is a factor too). I thought I was past that kind of puerile silliness but nope, apparently I’m a sucker for dark handsome fells whose not afraid of a ballad. I have sung along to Train’s smash hits, “Drops of Jupiter” and “Hey Soul Sister” over the years but frankly didn’t know it was them. Pat and his Train mates have been together since 1998. They have released 4 albums but are yet to see the success of their second – the one with Drops of Jupiter on it (called, funnily enough, Drops of Jupiter. Funnily is a funny word). They are from San Francisco which just sounds cool.

The Hook:  Well as I said, Pat was the hook. But I don’t think I’m lying to say that I wouldn’t have listened on if I hadn’t liked the first song I heard (that I knew to be theirs) - 50 Ways to Say Goodbye. Very catchy tune. The video of this song is very entertaining and features The Hoff by the way. But it was when I realised that If It’s Love is theirs that I really fell for them. What a brilliant song – “I love you from your toes to your face” – such a sweet line. Yes it is boys, it is love, and Pat I love you from your leather pants to your Indiana Jones scar.

The Artists: Well these fells look and sound like they just love what they do, and that it a powerful drawcard. There doesn’t seem to be any angst here, and there so often is when it comes to music. All the songs I’ve heard have a nice message, if not downright lovely. Even their song, ‘Hopeless’ makes me feel good. I love that their sense of humour and warmth comes through in their music. Shut up Meg, You’re starting to sound ingratiating and starry eyed, like Pat might read this or something. (Hi Pat xxx). But seriously, here’ s the exception to my song-girl norm – I’ll take the lot.

SARAH McLACHLAN 

Well here’s a voice (do I keep saying that? I think I’m a sucker for a beautiful mezzo-soprano – which is another newly known fact). This wonder woman hails and wails from Canada and she’s 6 years older than me which I LOVE about her (most of my new music loves are a generation or so below me). She was the voice of singing Jessie in Toy Story 2, which always brought a tear to my eye. She has produced 2 children and 7 albums, selling over 40 million worldwide (records not children, clearly).

The Hook: Was the opening lines of “Ben’s Song”, which I found on you tube after being advised to look her up. Hair stand up stuff – in a good way I mean, with goosebumps. I moved on to her huge and tragically beautiful hit, “In the Arms of an Angel” which I already had on my i-pod without really knowing it was hers (sorry Sarah) and was surprised to see it was first released in 1998 on the soundtrack of the not great film, City of Angels.

The Artist: Well she’s a voice but she’s not just a voice; she surely knows what she’s doing. I’m just learning the guitar (bar chords are still a miracle) and when I read something like this, I am in awe (skim if you’re not a guitar person):

“For years, Sarah McLachlan’s main stage guitar has been a late-’70s Larrivée C-10 with rosewood back and sides, a spruce top, and a Florentine cutaway. The guitar is amplified with a Fishman Rare Earth Blend (which combines a magnetic pickup and an internal mic), running through a Radial JDV Mk3 active DI. She has also performed with Canadian-made Morgan guitars, and at the time of the interview, she was trying out Taylor models with Expression System electronics. McLachlan strings her guitars with phosphor-bronze or vintage bronze Dean Markleys. She uses medium-lights (.012–.054) for her guitars in E A D G A D and D A D G A D tunings. Sometimes she uses lights (.011–.046) and raises E A D G A D a whole step so her capo positions can be two frets lower. For instance, in the past she played “Building a Mystery” in E A D G A D with a capo at the seventh fret, but now she tunes to F# B E A B E and capoes at the fifth fret. McLachlan’s capo of choice is a Dunlop C-Four”

I didn’t even know there were ‘capos of choice’ I just went for the one I don’t have to screw on. I have only listened to some of her stuff, and I’m pleased because I have so much more to meet. It’s like I’ve never read “Cold Comfort Farm” and have all that lovliness to come; I really hope I’m not disappointed – I have a wary feeling that she could get a little OTT with the emotion, but hope to be wrong. Oh and I love her for putting out a Christmas album, often thought of as daggy. I have a weakness for Christmas carols and I’m going to buy her versions – might make Christmas bearable. Her video for “World On Fire” is also a winner in my books. I’ll be listening to her when I have PMS and want to wallow, and when I’m strolling along a beach in winter.

SARA BAREILLES

This American singer has been nominated for 3 Grammys and has sold 4 million singles and 1 million albums in the US. Her first big hit single was ‘Love Song‘, which pitched her into the US charts. When she was at UCLA studying communications she wrote the song, ‘Gravity’ for her campus a Capella group. It was later released on one of her albums and used in the soundtrack to hit US TV series, Brothers and Sisters. She has released 4 albums.

The Hook: Definitely “Once Upon Another Time”, the song she performs acapella (without music), which is testament to her magical voice. I feel like this woman should be onstage singing a love song to a beautiful prince. I listen to this with my eyes closed and have to be very still. She also performs a lovely (oh so slightly cheesy – but hey I like a bit of cheese) duet with Jon Mclaughlin called “Summer is Over“, which I’ll be listening to while dead heading the roses or frolicking on the beach with the children.

The Artist: Well she does lean toward musical theatre sound in my mind, which is not a bad thing for musical tragics like me (I know all the word of the Les Mis songs) but may be a little off putting to others. But that’s definitely just one side to her. Her killer cover of Bruce Springsteen’s ”I’m On Fire‘ is raw and amazing, as is the one she did of U2′s ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For‘. Could it be that I  prefer her singing other people’s songs? I’m not sure, I’m yet to be swayed as much as I was with ‘One Upon Another Time’. I do enjoy her ‘Love Song’ and I think there will be more like this to come. I’ll stay tuned.

BON IVER 

This is really heart achingly beautiful stuff if you feel like listening to someone who sounds utterly broken hearted most of the time. Sometimes I feel like shouting, “Get over it dude, come one, there are shags to be had out there”. Other times, like when I’m writing something sad or feeling pensive, this music is perfect. Bon Iver is an American folk band formed in 2007 by indie-folk singer/musician Justin Vernon. After a serious health diagnosis and a major break up, he took himself off to a Wisconsin cabin to wallow, recuperate and write music. In 3 months he had written most of the Bon Iver debut album, ‘For Emma, Forever Ago’, which has since won huge critical acclaim. The name ‘Bon Iver’ is a play on what the French say to each other in winter – “Bon Hiver” (good winter).

The Hook: Well I was interested in listening to them because of Birdy’s cover of their “Skinny Love” (see above), but it fell a little flat, to be honest, after Birdy. It was further listening and the discovery of other songs like ‘Flume’ and ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’ and  ’Holocene‘, with this melancholic, atmospheric beauty that pulled me in.

The Artists: It’s sort of like listening to a non-Aboriginal version of Gurrumul – all stirring and wonderful without knowing what the hell he’s on about….”Only love is all maroon; Gluey feathers on a flume; Sky is womb and she’s the moon”… ???? , yep the lyrics are waaaay over my head in most cases, and I suspect this Justin dude is slightly weird (or maybe I’m just obtuse), but it’s all very fascinating. And there are some sounds I’ve never heard before, which suggests he’s quite liberal with the variety of instruments he uses (and probably skilled at them all). Such unique stuff; not trying to be like anyone else. I’d like to see how many more Bon Iver songs are swiped, remixed and brought to the attention of the greater masses. I hope not too many, they are mostly lovely just the way they are. Nice to have on in the background I reckon, or to calm me when I’m feeling irritable.

SIA FURLER 

Here’s another Aussie crooner going places. Her single “Taken For Granted” hit the big time in 2000 in the UK. 10 years later she was nominated for 6 ARIAs, winning 3 including best independent release and best pop release. She’s 37 and was born into music – her parents being in a rockabilly band in South Australia called The Soda Jerx. She has a famous snaggletooth (no, this is not me adding a random made up fact) and discovered her voice in a karaoke bar in Italy when she was 17. She has released 6 albums to date.

The Hook: Actually it was her name. Sia Furler is such a great songstress name I wanted to see if it is a stage name. It’s not. Her full name is Sia Kate Isobelle Furler. Brilliant. Having found that out (and spending some time wondering what stage name I would choose for myself and whether I should get one of my teeth snaggled), I thought I should listen to a song or two. The first one that grabbed me was the duet she did with Katie Noonan (another Aussie gem), ‘Sweet One‘. Gorgeous. Then I discovered that it’s her incredible voice that features in David Guetta’s Titanium (I thought she sounded familiar). This sealed the deal.

The Artist: She’s had some cool collaborations in her time, which is testament to her lovely talent. As well as Katie Noonan, she’s worked with Christine Aguilera, Shakira, David Guetta and Afrojack. Some of her songs have a tendency to be a bit long winded, but if it’s playing in the background this doesn’t matter. Her ‘Lullaby‘ was featured in the soundtrack of the Matt Damon film, Hereafter (love that film – you should watch it). She has some very coll covers too – including Cindi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’ and Madonna’s ‘Oh Father’. Her music is generally great for when you’re feeling wallowy and want a bit of self pity time (then you can pop out of it with the catchy little crowd pleaser, ‘Clap Your Hands‘). Love your work Sia Kate Isobelle Furler.

Now I know I said I’d only talk new discoveries, but perhaps this next one can be a new discovery for you…

MONIQUE BRUMBY 

Ok so it’s probably no secret that there may be some bias involved here, but Tassie’s Own Monique Brumby was born a star – I mean it, I know because she was a close schoolfriend. She could do ANYTHING annoyingly brilliantly – art, dance, drama, sport (she was on a national soccer squad at one stage), schoolwork (breezed through her HSC without trying) and of course music. She is also very beautiful. I know, spewin’. She hit the charts in the mid 90′s with her first single, “Fool For You” and has since forged a successful indie career with 4 albums and I think about 9 singles to her name. She is on track to release a new albumn soon, she mentors emerging artists and produces music as well. She can probably make a perfect souffle and identify rare birds. She is one (a rare bird, not a souffle).

The Hook:  This is tricky because I am so familiar with her music but I think I can narrow it down to 2 songs that really made me a proper fan:  1) One Day, which I think was a song that came out with her first single, “Fool For You” or was it on her first record, Thylacine?” Hmm, anyway, the tune and the lyrics grabbed me on first listen. So did, “The Change in Me”, Monique’s second single (which I am proud to say she sang at my wedding). This one was nominated as song of the year in 1998 and it is simply beautiful.

The Artist: She is an enormous talent who has poured everything into her work, and the proof is in the pudding peeps. From “Fool For You” her vocals have matured into a more distinct sound with almost a country influence (I said I would talk genre but I can’t think how else to describe it). I love her rounded “ou’s” (my granny would approve) and her enormous range. She can break your heart with her ballads and get you kickin’ with her rock-chick numbers – check her out in Sheila’s of the 70′s - “come alive!” - now that IS cool and groovy AND versatile. There is just so much clap in my hands for this darling girl. Love, love, love.

2013 UPDATE – A QUICK REVIEW FOUNDED IN NOTHING BUT FIRST IMPRESSIONS!

It is February and I’ve found a new bit of easy listening for you all. He is utterly independent, self-produced and self everything except selfish because he’s released an album of his songs for us all to listen to whenever we like. He is the new James Reyne/Sting hybrid (gosh I hope that’s not an insult, it’s not meant to be – Sting’s “Nothing Like The Sun” is still one of my favourites and I’m not a music expert remember). He is….DAN HACK, and you should listen to him, he has some lovely things to say and a really heartfelt, skillful danhackway of saying them. The album is called Torero (which evidently means matador) and it’s packaged up in a very cool cubist-ish CD cover. To me its title is fitting because my favourite track is called “Fiesta”, which has the lyric, “My love is running with the bulls”. I can’t pretend to know what the song is about but it makes me think of lazy hot summer holidays with colourful people with plenty to see and nowhere to be – the kind of feeling I get when I listen to that old favourite, “Under the boardwalk” (again this could be a terrible comparison sorry). “Country Bride” is another standout – a lovely celebration of country life and escaping the binds of today’s fast pace. Makes me feel a little bit romantic, happy (and hand clappy) about being a country person…”We can make hay while the sun is shining”. The final track, “Horizon” exposes the full coolness of Dan’s voice – such a distinct and rich sound. There are all sorts of impressive sounding elements to these songs – great harmonies, superb, effortless guitar playing (jealous), uplifting lyrics, and clever twiddly bits that show Dan’s attention to detail. It is a fantastic debut solo effort, I’d come home and kick off my shoes to Dan Hack’s music any day. Get a taste of his work here and a more expertly crafted review here.

*Here I need to make mention of some lovely female talent whose skill, musical prowess and general goodness I do appreciate, but I frankly can’t listen to for too long because of how they embellish their singing, in two ways which at the moment seem to be the thing to do…

1)What’s with the cutie pie voices? Am I the only person to notice this? Is this the trend of this decade for female singers? I hate to ball a group together because I know there are distinct from one another but it’s just too remarkable to go unremarked…Lisa Mitchell (but I do love you for chrysalising out of Australian Idol to Indie cool), Julia Stone, Ingrid Michaelson (like the duet factor though), Regina Spektor (less guilty) and Ellie Goulding, Lykke Li, and Little Dragon (extra points for truly brilliant videos though) did your voices never mature? I think you’re perfect – stirring and thought provoking even – for a snippet in a soundtrack or for a minute on the radio before my husband switches to the footy, but I feel irritated after too long. I have enough baby voices at me all day and I’d love to hear your voices without the reversion to toddlerhood. Please?

2) Lanie Lane, Rebecca Ferguson, Adele and Karis Eden, I think you’re all wonderful but I’m a bit over the fish wifey sound. Does anyone else know what I mean or am I being overly fussy?

3)And unique in her quirk… Sarah Blasko well sorry, you’re lovely but unless you have a soft palate problem then there is no good reason for those weirdo seal-sounding vowel sounds (“mrrrrrrrself”). Lovely video though (although I watched the shape of your mouth movement in fascination), and at least you stand alone with your quirk, irritating though it is.

OK ENOUGH FROM ME. I want to hear from you – what is your favourite music (old or new)? Some of you have already answered this to help with this post (thank you for that), so you can answer these ones: What did I get wrong? Right? What stage name would you choose for yourself?

Please note there will be updates to this post because although I may never be cool, I am now so totally open to the powers of music, bordering on hipster. So check back brothers and sisters okay.

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Brush Up On: ISLAM

Posted on October 3, 2012 by Meg Bignell

Realised during Sydney’s Muslim riots that I actually don’t know very much about Islam – and I should because the religion is so central to much of our news, not to mention the (according to the 2011 census), 476,300 Australians who identify as Muslim. To be honest, it wasn’t that long ago that I learnt that Islam is the religion whilst Muslims are its adherents. I just kind of thought Islam and Muslim were two religions (I know shut up I’m working on my brain okay, I’ve come a long way since I thought that Muslim was a kind of cloth you wrap babies in).

Firstly the trigger for my brush up: The Muslim Riots in Sydney…

Well this was a social media managed protest in response to an anti-Islam film, “Innocence of Muslims”. It started relatively peacefully on the morning of Saturday 15th September 2012 and escalated into violence when the protesters tried to enter the US Embassy and police used capsicum spray to push them back. More extreme protesters (some identified as a- Qa’ida supporters) carried placards that read, “Behead all those who insult the prophet”, Shariah will dominate the world” and “Obama, Obama, we love Osama”.

photo courtesy of The Daily Telegraph

The 2o year old alleged organiser of the protests was arrested on 21st September. It is claimed that he used social networking sites and a mobile phone to whip a bunch of people into a frenzy. 9 protesters were arrested and police continue to analyse images and footage of the protests to identify further inciters of violence.

What is it about the film that is so offensive? 

Well here it is - tell me what you think. In my ignorant view the mot offensive thing about it is the shithouse acting. But I am not Muslim. For a start, Muslims deem any depiction of Muhammad as offensive. This film depicts plays Muhammad as a ‘gluttonous bastard’ with no undies (he’s not too shabby to look at but that’s beside the point). It is grossly offensive to Muslims in its blatant disrespect for their beliefs. It should be offensive to everyone else because it is an irresponsible and inflammatory misuse of film making that has caused the death of 4 Americans in Libya, including US ambassador Chris Stevens.

But the film aside, there is talk that it was a catalyst for a disgruntled Muslim community the world over; that there is serious unrest over Western Society and democracy simmering away under the surface awaiting a reason to overflow. Professor Salman Sayyid (Director of the International Centre for Muslim and Non-Muslim Understanding) said in a recent interview that the film and other examples of blasphemy against Islam (such as Salman Rushdie’s book, Satanic Verses*) have met with such outrage because…

“…right now there’s a situation in which Muslims do not have a political structure that can express their opinions. They’re not strong enough to basically stop these kinds of insults—what they perceive as insults—so they can’t educate people normally through channels of how to behave, in a way. But they’re not too weak so they have to ignore them. So I think they’re caught in this kind of tussle right now; that these little things are partly a way of trying to create a space…is saying, well you know what, this really is not something that we’re happy with and we don’t need to take it.”

Who made the film? 

Oh who cares, some dickhead, that’s not really the issue is it? But I actually still want to know because I’m imagining a cowardly-cocky arsehole who is swaggering about saying, “Me scared? Never dude”, then wetting his pants over the daily news and cowering under his bed.

So the film’s director has been identified (by the Wall St Journal) as Sam Bacile, an Israeli-American real estate developer (see I knew he’d be cocky). He claimed that his film was ”a political effort to call attention to the hypocrisies of Islam” and that “Islam is a cancer”. This has more recently been refuted when Sam Bacile has been found not to exist, which means the name is most likely a pseudonym for someone actually called I.M. Trouble (made that bit up). Other sources reveal his real name to be Nakoula Basseley Nakoula. I’d call myself Sam too.

The cast and crew of the (allegedly) $5million film say they were misled, that the script was changed dramatically in post production (using some really classy dubbing) to include the words ‘Muhammad’, ‘Islam’ and ‘Muslim’. In the original the script the Muhammed character was called George (you couldn’t make this shit up). The film’s crew are claiming suitable mortification.

What is Islam?

It is a monotheistic Abrahamic religion. WTF?? Don’t panic, it just means that Muslims worship one God and either 1) believe that they are all descended of Abraham 0r 2) recognise a spiritual tradition with him (that fella in the bible – Christianity is also an Abrahamic faith). 54% of the world’s population follows an Abrahamic religion.

What is the Qur’an? 

(or the Koran) It is an ‘eternal and heavenly’ book – the “unaltered and final revelation of God” – as opposed to previous messages and revelations that have been corrupted and changed over time.

Who is Muhammad?

Muhammad is said to be the greatest of all the prophets. He was the “last and final prophet that God sent to humanity”. He explained, interpreted and lived the teachings of Islam and is thought to be responsible for bringing the most people to the pure belief of one God than any other prophet (other prophets include Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses and Jesus).

Who is Allah?

Allah is the Muslim word for ‘God’.

What is Sharia Law?

It is the moral code and religious law of Islam, or the ‘infallible law of God’. It incorporates such things as crime, politics, economics, health and sex.

What are the 5 Pillars of Islam?

Well there are 5 Pillars of Faith and 5 Pillars of Worship. The 5 Pillars of Faith are the basic beliefs of Islam:

1) Belief in Allah as the only God

2) Belief in the Angels of God (such as Gabriel)

3) Belief in the book of God (the Qu’ran)

4) Belief in the day of judgment and Resurrection at the end of time, when all will be raised from the dead, judged according to their faith and life and sent either to the gardens of paradise or the fires of hell.

5) Belief that God is responsible for everything – good and evil because everything happens at the will of God. Meantime everyone must take responsibility for his/her own actions.

The 5 Pillars of Worship are the basic acts involved in being a practicing Muslim. Each pillar is seen as a gateway to deeper understanding and spirituality:

1) Shahada – the testimony that “there is no God but God” and that “Muhammad is the messenger of God”

2) Salat – a prayer ritual performed 5 time a day while facing Mecca.

So I got cramp ok.

3) Zakat – is an annual, obligatory contribution to charity at 2.5% of all liquid assets.

4) Saum – is the fasting from dawn to dusk each day during the ninth month (Ramadan). No food, drink or nookie during daylight while  the spirit renews itself.

5) Hajj – the pilgrimage to Mecca (if physically and financially able) during the 12th Muslim month. It retraces the steps of Abraham and includes offering an animal sacrifice and shaving heads.

What is Jihad?

Sometimes referred to as the 6th Pillar of Islam (worship), Jihad is mentioned numerous times in the Qu’ran and is described as ‘striving in the way of God’ or ‘the struggle to sustain the Islamic faith’. It has in recent history been linked to the motivation behind acts of terror, but in everyday practice, it is the struggle to keep the faith and maintain a healthy Muslim society.

What are the various Islamic sects?

Sunni Muslims make up around 85% of all Muslims. Sunni translates to ‘tradition’ and Sunnis see themselves as following the traditions of Muhammad. Movements to transform Islam in the last century have been mostly Sunni movements.

Shi’ite Muslims make up around 15% of the Muslim population. They are ‘the party of Ali’ – believing that the Muslim community should be headed by a descendant of Muhammad.

Sufis are Islamic mystics. They go beyond the usual requirements of the religion to grow closer to God through meditation and spiritual growth. Sufi orders are similar to Christian monastic orders (monks). Most Sufis are Sunni Muslims.

Baha’is and Ahmadiyyas are both offshoots of Sunni and Shi-ite Islam. Bahai’s consider themselves the newest of the large religions but acknowledge their Shi’ite Islam roots. Most other Muslims deny the legitimacy of either group as Muslim and often declare the offshoots corrupted. Baha’is boasts a strong world-wide following and emphasises the fact that, “Humanity is understood to be in a process of collective evolution, and the need of the present time is for the gradual establishment of peace, justice and unity on a global scale.” Sounds good to me. 

Bahai Lotus Temple in Delhi

Druze, Alevis and Alawis are small Islamic spin offs with unorthodox beliefs and practices. They no long see themselves as Muslim nor are they recognised by other Muslims.

What is Al Quaeda?

It is a global militant Islamist organisation founded by Osama Bin Laden in about 1989. Its origins have been traced back to the Soviet War in Afghanistan. It operates as a scary multinational network that includes a stateless army and a radical Sunni Muslim movement calling for global Jihad and a strict adherence to Sharia law. It has been blacklisted by the UN, NATO and the EU as a terrorist organisation after numerous attacks on people they consider Kafirs (unbelievers, infidels).

What does Islamist mean?

Islamists hold that Islam is as much a political movement as a religion. It is increasingly seen at odds with democracy. Islamist is defined in the dictionary as: “An Islamic revivalist movement, often characterized by moral conservatism, literalism, and the attempt to implement Islamic values in all spheres of life”.

My thoughts?

Ooh I’ll be treading carefully here – and I know nothing really so please know that these are just my thoughts, not by any means gospel ok…

I think it’s very easy to overlook all that is good (peace-loving, charitable, self-aware) about Islam when the extreme Muslims are (and the resultant media is) so loud and the messages of al Qaeda so devastating . I think that the evolution of Christianity from its violent, dark age days of persecution and forced belief has been greatly suppressed in the Islamic world – perhaps due to a lack of democracy in their country of origin. The branches of religion that have perhaps softened and become more liberal have according to many Muslims strayed from ‘true Sharia law’ have been cut off altogether and relabeled non-Muslim faiths.

I read somewhere a few weeks ago (and for the life of me I can’t find the source but I think it was The Australian), that the Muslim world has been lacking the widely published, well known and much loved thinkers or the Western world – those people who have shaped modern day beliefs and behaviours away from extreme ones. Perhaps we should have chucked my old friend Jung into the Middle East years ago?

And lastly, my apologies to anyone if is offended by the article, I welcome further enlightenment, corrections and comments.

*Years ago I tried to read The Satanic Verses but it was so far beyond me – all I remember is a lot of confusing names and people floating through the sky. Any further insight would be appreciated.

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Brush Up On: WESTERN PHILOSOPHY

Posted on April 28, 2012 by Meg Bignell

"Bugger off I'm thinking"

I KNOW IT SOUNDS BORING BUT STAY WITH ME OKAY, this post has taken me FOREVER because it’s near on impossible to put the words ‘philosophy’ and ‘in brief’ together. I have had to work on this with frequent breaks just to get my eyes uncrossed, but really needed to lighten it all up so I could get through it. So I promise, this is the slimmers version – Philosophy Lite (with my opinions scattered in and concluded at the end)….

But there’s no avoiding the fact that we’re poking around with the big guns – those questions I tend to shove aside for infinite other (less tricky, less frightening) questions in my face such as “where’s Bear?” and “what’s for dinner?” It seems that no one can answer these questions with absolute certainty (the big ones, I usually know where Bear is) and so philosophy was born. I am brushing up because I’ve long had a niggly feeling that if these are the biggest questions of all then maybe they’re the most important and need more of my attention and thought. Maybe I’ll find a new reason for being that will steer my life in a new direction, like the Bahamas with no children.

What is Philosophy?

Evidently (thanks Wikipedia old mate), ‘sophists’ were brainy men that went travelling about classical Greece spreading their ideas and teaching wisdom. An ancient version of me really, except that they didn’t have a trillion ideas to plagiarise at their fingertips, didn’t travel conveniently in cyberspace and they got paid. Philosophers were the ones who built and spread their knowledge for the love of it rather than the money – ah that’s more like me. Maybe there was a sophist called Phil who refused payment for his life’s wisdom. Anyway, the word philosophy is ancient Greek for “Love of Wisdom”.

There are 5 main branches of philosophy – epistomology, logic, metaphysics, ethics and aesthetics.

What is Epistemology? I will resist the temptation to make some puerile lavatorial comment and get straight to the point. Crikey, wait a minute what is the point? This stuff is harder than John Holmes’ knob. Check this out: epistemology investigates the origin, nature, methods and limits of human knowledge. So in my simplest terms, it is thinking about thinking. It asks questions like, “What is knowledge?”, “How is knowledge acquired?” and “What are the limitations of knowledge?”. Well I thought I could answer these (things you know, wikipedia and children) but oh nooooo, this field of study analyses the nature of knowledge and how it relates to things like belief, truth and justification. Skepticism is a sub-branch of epistemology and states that there is no such thing as knowledge, particularly without evidence. And what’s more, from these basic questions arise further dilemmas, such as, “If all the content of awareness is ideas, how do we know that anything exists apart from these ideas?” Descartes famous expression, “I think, therefore I am”, comes from epistemology. Good God fellas, go and read Enid Blyton to your children and try to relax.

In all seriousness, epistemology does have practical applications, such as the development of artificial intelligence, theories of education, cognitive therapy, neurology and sociology. Please don’t ask me how.

What is Logic? The study of the principles of correct reasoning. In this context it is most often related to mathematics and philosophy. Empirical facts (those derived from experiment or experience, such as how a person’s reasoning changes with age just as one example) are not the concern of a logician; rather it is correct reasoning that makes up logic.  There are many principles of reasoning that make up logic, the main one being those things that make an argument valid – i.e the validity of arguments. Another way to look at logic is this: while science discovers truth, logic discovers the laws of truth.

What is Metaphysics? Ah here are where the really big questions come in, the ones that I sometimes think are best left unasked in favour of just getting on with it. But I am happy to be convinced otherwise… The word, ‘metaphysics’ is another tricky one to define, but put simply (which is how I like my definitions), it  is the study of the nature of the world, reality and existence.  Metaphysical questions are ones like: What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? How did I get here? What is the essence of something? What is existence? What is experience? What is real? Does the cosmos have a purpose? Is anything random? Does free will exist or is everything pre-determined?

Metaphysics is often the domain of spiritual people, or troubled people searching for a higher purpose or more meaning in their lives. It is often closely aligned to religion. However it has less abstract applications. For instance, quantum physics (which is an utterly baffling realm of metaphysics that examines the world from a molecular or atomic level) contributed to the invention of things like the transistor radio, new energy saving thermoelectric materials (could this be of interest to peak oil peeps) and laser.

What is Ethics? Also known as moral philosophy, ethics is where we ask, “what is the best way to live?, and (because there has to be a question about the question), whether this question can actually be answered. Metaethics delves into whether there are ethical truths or whether we base our morals on emotion or social pressure or the will of God. Normative ethics articulates good ethical conduct and gives guidelines for people to reach a satisfactory moral standard. Applied ethics asks the hard questions of ethical dilemmas such as abortion, capital punishment, euthanasia and whether I should abandon my children in favour of a sports car and overseas travel.

What is Aesthetics?  In philosophical terms, aesthetics takes in the philosophy of art and beauty. It asks questions of perception, what makes something sublime (beautiful enough to inspire great admiration or awe), what makes us enjoy it and how emotions, taste and sentiment affect senses and aesthetic opinion. I’ve often wondered whether my purple is the same as the purple of everyone else.

So now we have touched on (and I mean dabbed the very surface very lightly, this ice berg is has no end) what philosophy is, now what about the main philosophical players? Were they all mad loonies with too much time on their hands or did they have something of value to contribute?  There are hundreds of philosophers and if I try to explain them all my brain will explode and my husband will have to get a new wife and a new keyboard. So here are just a smattering of them, with the basics of their ideas…

Thales was a philosopher from Miletus in Asia Minor (now Turkey) born in those good old days around 626 BC. It has been said that all western philosophy began with Thales. His theories centred around explaining nature without the use of mythology (the pop culture of the day), the main one being that the world started from water. He observed air and slime forming from moisture and concluded that the Earth solidified from the water it rests on. His rejection of mythology is said to have stimulated the scientific revolution, as well as informing the studies of philosophers to come.

Confucius So I know I headed this western philosophy, but I want to know about Confucius because of the old “Confucious say…” lines. But I want the Real Confucius to stand up. He was a Chinese politician and teacher born in 551BC. He mainly focused on ethics as a champion of family loyalty, respect for elders, and respect for husbands by wives (where’s the vice versa Con old china?).  He was a great advocate for The Golden Rule, ‘do as you would be done by’ and an early supporter of democracy. These days he’s an advocate for all sorts of things apparently, such as, “when you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen the mall.” Tee hee.

Socrates

Socrates is a classical Greek legend born in 469 BC who contributed mostly to the field of ethics. His work is recorded mostly through the writings of his students and the plays of his contemporary Aristophanes, which makes finding the real Socrates difficult (the Socratic Problem). Amongst many beliefs, he taught that the best way to live is to focus on self development rather than material wealth. He emphasised the importance of friendship and community and believed that the world should be governed by philosophers. He gave the world the Socratic Method, a method of inquiry whereby a problem is solved by breaking it down into a series of questions, starting with a hypothesis and moving into discussion. Socrates was only forty when he was found guilty of corrupting minds and disbelieving the gods. He was sentenced to death by hemlock. Sad days.

Plato was one of the students of Socrates and is possibly the most famous of them all. He was born in 428 BC and wrote extensive philosophical dialogues (36 in fact, plus 13 letters) which have been used to teach mathematics, epistemology, logic, ethics and rhetoric (the art of discourse – informing, motivating and persuading). One of them unearths theories of

Plato

platonic love. He looked closely at the father-son relationship and whether a fathers’ interest in his sons has much to do with how they turn out. He also believed that the wider population was frankly pretty dumb and therefore democracy was a silly idea. He also famously decided that everything on earth (from chairs to bananas to people) are actually shadows of their real, superior selves; it’s just that we can’t see them. He used the famous metaphor of the cave to illustrate this idea which I won’t go into because frankly even if he is right, and the chair I am sitting on is a poor imitation of it’s superior self, hey, I’m still happy with the chair. Still, I’d kind of like to see the world outside Plato’s cave.

Aristotle was born in 384 BC and was Plato’s most famous student. He was far more involved in science and using logic to sort out the natural world and to develop a universal method of reasoning by which we can learn everything about reality. This effectively lead to the first comprehensive system of western philosophy, the identification of fields of knowledge as distinct disciplines and the species-genus system used for the natural world. He was a pioneer in the study of human happiness and identified that happiness, a result of virtue, is the ultimate purpose of human existence.

Aquinas (Thomas) was a Dominican monk born around 1230 AD. He is most famous for honouring both science and God whilst working out the way of the universe. He  ’proved the existence of God’ using the simple theorem that everything in existence has to have a beginning and an end. All his teachings are derived from the bible and he is said to be the founder of Christianity, being one of the first to say that living for God cleared the way for eternal life in heaven. He identified the four cardinal virtues – justice, courage, prudence and temperance. How about kindness? Generosity? The ability to share your last rolo? Non-smelly poo?

Look at Descartes, sniggering to himself as we bust our cells over algebra.

Descartes lived from 1596 to 1650 and is referred to as the father of modern philosophy. He has a lot to answer for in my opinion because he created analytical geometry and algebra and confused the pants off me in level 3 maths. What an arse. He discovered the laws of refraction (the change in direction of a wave due to a change in its speed) and reflection. He was an advocate of dualism, which is essentially the power of the mind over the body. He said, “Cogito, ergo sum“, which roughly translates as, “I am a smarty pants.” Not really, it means, “I think, therefore I am.” He said that perception is unreliable and that reason is the only reliable method of  attaining knowledge.

Marx, Karl Born in 1818 in Germany, Marx is more often described as a socialist thinker or a raging communist than a philosopher, though he was trained in philosophy and turned to politics and economics in his twenties. He went on to inspire many communist regimes in the modern world, partly fired by his philosophical beliefs. Central to his beliefs was the idea that capitalism wholly alienates an individual from his or her ability to reach potential and follow destinies because they lose the right to be in charge of their actions and to use or own the value of what their actions produce – i.e. people are not individuals within capitalism, but instruments. He saw the history of mankind as a struggle between classes i.e. that class struggle is what propels change, and the syntax and collective consciousness of a society is formed by economic trends. He claimed that this pattern will result in the destruction of inequality and the fall of capitalism. He was careful not to describe communism fully, saying that the natural course of things and the creativity of humanity in times of crisis will shape what is to come. Oooh.

Nietzsche, Friedrich was born in Germany in 1844. He was among the first to focus on objective human experience as the main determinant of human nature, as opposed to subjective scientific and mathematical truths. This is a form of what was later named existentialism. An interesting aspect of his work is in his examination of nihilism, which is the idea that life is meaningless. Nihilism grew as people questioned the existence of God, which Nietzsche encouraged, feeling that Christianity had lead to an intrinsic slave culture in which people encouraged kindness only because they wanted to get trough the pearly gates. Nietzsche famously declared that “God is dead” and saw the resultant nihilism as an opportunity for deep human reflection and positive reevaluation.

Freud, SigmundWeird name that, Sigmund. I guess no parents call their sons that anymore in case they try to jump their mother’s bones or kill their father. Freud was born in Austria in 1856 and actually wasn’t a philosopher but a neurologist. Nonetheless he has

Freud

some ideas within the branch of epistemology that are worth noting (if only for their sort of paranoid peculiarity). Perhaps he is better described as an influential thinker. He thought deeply about infantile sexuality (sounds erky but he used the word sexuality as anything that gives pleasure), the unconscious and repression. He interpreted dreams, analysed the subconscious and identified libido as the single most motivating factor in an adult life. He separated the human psyche into 3 parts – the ego (rationality), id (impulsive and child like) and super-ego (morality). His groundbreaking treatment in psychoanalysis (indeed his invention of it) has been used widely and successfully, while his philosophical theories have attracted much criticism – including that he was a cocaine addict with distorted views.

Jung, Carl like Freud, his contemporary, was not a philosopher but a psychiatrist whose ideas centre around the human pysche. He tables such ideas as the archetype – model of a person or behaviour; the collective unconscious – part of the unconscious that is present in all humanity; the complex – a core pattern of desires, wishes, emotions and perceptions that surround a common theme or motivation or passion; and synchronicity – the idea that uncommon coincidences arise due to an underlying larger framework of events that are related. He identified individuation as the merging of the personal and collective unconscious to form the individual. On a metaphysical level, he believed that our purpose of humans is to discover and fulfill our deepest potential. He said that spirituality is essential to well being.

A baldie but a goodie

De Botton, Alain I have to include him because I love this dude. I mean I think I’m really in love with him. He is – in my starry eyed opinion – the most sensible thinker of today. He has taken all the best bits of sense from history’s philosophers and packaged them all up in digestible forms and relevant contexts in order for us all to take a long hard look at ourselves and the world we live in – with his own philosophies rising up like beacons along the way. He coined the phrase, Status Anxiety and unearthed its truths. He identifies ways in which heathens such as myself can benefit from religion (without having to believe in the Big Guy) and how architecture affects our well being. He…hang on, I won’t go on, just read him okay, he’s lovely – De Botton.

So in case you’re still reading and bothered about what I think…

The Megoracle Philosophies Well I’m not sure I have the time or see the point in asking how we got here because we are here and I can’t see a better explanation beyond the big bang and science. What are we here for? Well given that it was a great big happy accident that we ended up here, I don’t think I believe in an assigned purpose or a destiny. I think we are here to survive, which means different things for everyone. Other than the essentials like food and shelter and sex (for species survival), what is necessary for one person to survive – or at least his/her perception of what is necessary – is different from the next. For instance, a friend once told me he would die without the sea; he runs a watersports business. I am a poor grumpy shadow of myself if I can’t write, and others need to do immense amounts of volunteer work for charity to survive as functioning happy people (thank the Lord for them).

I agree with Confucius and his family loyalty, Socrates and his community and Descartes’ suspicion of perception. I think Marx is a grossly stereotyped wise man who deserves more attention and am grateful to Nietzsche for getting people up off their prayer mats. I am fascinated by the idea of Plato’s cave (none of us can deny its truth) and Jung’s synchronicity (those coincidences happen to me all the time) but can’t offer anything more to either thesis. Of all of the philosophers I have mentioned (and there many more – and far more depth to their ideas), it would be Carl Jung I would like to study more. He seems like a nice, brainy bloke, with some wafty,

Carl Jung

mysterious bits that appeal to my whimsy. I used to hear “I’ll Be Watching You” by The Police often enough for it to 1) creep me out and 2) perhaps be some kind of synchronicity. I googled about with the idea and discovered that the song is off The Police’s album named, “Synchronicity”. Kid you not. It’s made me order the book. Anyway, it’s likely I’m going potty now so I’ll sign off at long last.

Never let it be said that Megoracle is afraid of the big issues.

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Brush Up On…ART HISTORY

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Meg Bignell

Degas(Impressionism)

It’s taken me AGES to pull this one together because it’s so far from my usual field of thought. But it is fascinating. I love how the art movements through history inform and are informed by the events of the day. And I love that I am suddenly keen to visit a gallery and have a better look.

I heard that it’s just over 100 years since the Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre – by an Italian Handyman who hid overnight in a closet and slipped out to remove the painting and exit the museum, to be found 2 years later in Florence, still with the Old Girl in hand. Anyway, it got me thinking that I have absolutely no friggin’ idea of what’s what in the art world. With the opening of MONA in Hobart last year, it’s just not cool any more not to know your cubists from your whatever-ists. So here’s a quick, lo-gloss brush up of the recent(ish), best known art movements we would all do well to know. In chronological order:

Romanticism (1780-1850) Ooh I love this one. Romanticism was something of a revolt against growing industrialism and the social rules and conventions of the time, including increasingly scientific perspectives on life and nature. It highlighted the importance of emotion and imagination as a source of aesthetic experience. Caspar (see image below), Friedrich, Gericault, Delacroix, Turner and Benjamin West are all artists of the romanticism movement.

The Song of the Lark (Realism)


Realism (1848 – 1900) This seems to me like the boring, text-book artists looked snootily down their noses and my romantics and said, Oh for goodness sake you fey dickheads, this is how it’s done, this is the Real World. Realists depicted their – usually working class/peasant – subjects without embellishment, ideology or interpretation. They are actually rather lovely and seem to bring out the beauty of everyday things. Corot, Courbet, Millet and Daumier were all Realist artists. Our girl Mona Lisa is an example of Classical Realism. (I have just had my first true study of the painting and come to the conclusion that Da Vinci’s subject Lisa Gherardini would have been horrified to see her eyebrows and eyelashes rubbed off by cleaners and how flat her hair is.)

Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog - Caspar Friederich (Romanticism)

Impressionism (1860-ish – 1900) A group of Parisian painters took painting outdoors, focussing on the transient nature of colour and light and it’s various forms according to time of day. They highlighted the importance of movement and colour in daily lives, as opposed to the static portraiture and muted tones of previous artistic fashions. They captured moments in real time with short brush-strokes of often bright colours. In close aspect the paintings can appear messy and unclear, but from a distance the subject is clear and real. Impressionist works are popular because they usually depict nice happy things. Think Monet, Renoir, Degas and Pissarro. Those ballerinas are my favourite, by Edgar Degas.

Post-Impressionism (1885 – 1910)  These guys poo-poo’d the whole light and movement focus of the Impressionists and pursued individual styles to express emotion. They tended toward abstract and used simple, bright colours and sharp lines to convey deeper symbolism beyond what we see. Seurat, Van Gogh, Gauguin and Cezanne are recognised as Post-Impressionists, though they didn’t see themselves as part of a collective movement.

And this – at the dawning of the twentieth century – is when the Modernist Movement began. Modernism includes Expressionism, Surrealism, Abstract Impressionism, Pop Art and Minimalism…

The Scream, Edvard Munch

Expressionism (1900 – 1935) Exaggeration and distortion are used to convey emotion in these babies. They typically show agitated brush strokes and bold colours to depict fantasy, horror or other extremes of subjective emotion. So no boring old bowls of fruit, rather there are personal, thoughtful and often bizarre scenes. These are the ones that beg for art-wank – like, “hmm, a clear expression of the chaotic humdrum of human synapses and grotesque visions…” or something. Expressionist artists are – amongst others – Max Beckman, Otto Dix (tee hee), Lionel Feininger and Emil Nolde. Many of these blokes were inspired by Edvard Munch’s famous painting, “The Scream”. Munch is a funny surname. There is nothing funny about his painting though.

Portrait of Picasso by Juan Gris (Cubism)

Cubism / Futurism (1905 – 1920) Cubism came first. It was set in motion by Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque, who tried to create new ways of seeing things by using basic geometric shapes to construct people, objects or landscapes. It is said they were trying to create images we try to visualise with our mind’s eye – fragments of them as opposed to the whole. Picasso said he was inspired by Cezanne, who was the first to look at the basic shapes in nature. Futurists took this all a little further. These Italian hooligans were inspired by speed, technology and violence (I think have a 5 year old futurist). Their techniques went beyond cubism and heralded the triumph of technology over nature. Triumph seems like the wrong word these days. Key futurists include Filippo Tommaso Marinetti, Umberto Boccioni and Caro Carra. Key words that pop into my head when I look at a futurist/cubist work – ‘fucking’ and ‘ugly’. Put the two together.

Surrealism (1920s – 1930s) was both a literary and artistic movement which was dedicated to expressing imagination as if through dreams, liberated from conscious control. It was greatly influenced by theories of perception, in particular those of that weirdo genius

Dali's Galatee aux Spheres

Sigmund Freud with his model of subconsciousness. In fact the whole movement seems a bit weirdo to me, but I guess seeing the beauty in incongruous stuff – like the “chance encounter of a sewing machine and an umbrella on a dissecting table” has its place in the creative world. Salvador Dali is probably the most famous of the surrealist artists. He was inspired by – among other things – paranoia and atomic bombs.

Jackson Pollock (Abstract Expressionism)

Abstract Expressionism (post world war II)U Ah these are the dudes who indulge their art by chucking a bit of paint at a canvas. Hmm, reminds me of the big dragonfly on the carpet ad (“Oh Mr Hart, what a mess!”). But that dragonfly was way too lucid for these fellas. This was the first artistic movement to arise out of the US, which meant the Arty capital of the world moved from Paris to New York. The style has a reputation for being rebellious, idiosyncratic and to some degree, nihilistic (the idea that human existence is pointless – jeepers no wonder I don’t feel inclined to hang one of these babies on my wall). Jackson Pollock worked in a abstract expressionist style, so

did Arshile Gorky and other tortured, angsty people. These are the ones you stand before, put hand to chin and utter, “It speaks to me, I see the clash of emotion and the torture of Swahili warrior women in the days of war. And look! There’s a child’s last breath and a pear.” Sorry, shouldn’t take the piss, it’s clearly genius.

Andy Warhol (Pop Art)

Pop Art (mid 1950′s) This movement perhaps marks the beginning of when advertising began to take over the Western world (my theory anyhoo), Pop Art began to include imagery from mainstream culture including advertising, cartoons, comics and news. It was an elaboration (clarification I reckon) of the ideas behind Abstract Expressionism. It used banal, found material, often kitch, to make ironic statements with striking results. It made the simple Cambell’s soup label cool and attractive and gave us Marilyn in vivid colour. Iconic is the word here. Think Andy Warhol.

Minimalism (1960′s, 1970′s) Rooted in the reductive style of Modernism, and reacting to the mess of

Robert Ryman (Minimalism)

Abstract Expressionism, minimalism goes off in the other direction and sets out to expose the essence, essentials or identity of a subject through eliminating all non-essential forms, features or concepts. Raw, stripped down, flat, geometric, structured, bare, bland, cold and boring are words that could be associated to minimalist works. Minimalism (like many of the art movements) has leached into other art fields such as architecture, interior design, literature (begone you pesky adjective) and even music (drones are one example). Well known Minimalist artists include Frank Stella, Kenneth Noland, Robert Ryman and Al Held.

Deconstructivism Architecture

Postmodernism and Deconstructivism (1970– ) Postmodernism – of which Deconstructivism is an example, is most often associated with architecture and in smaller ways art, literature and philosophy. But there’s a whole new post in that so I’ll stick with visual art. Deconstructivism has been influenced by minimalism and cubism, Like minimalism it is seen to be disconnected from cultural references, like cubism, it deconstructs subjects and reassembles them in differing forms. The movement was famously brought to a head by the 1988 Museum of Modern Art (NY) exhibition, Deconstructionist Architecture. Weird, monstrous, ugly and Federation Square are words I would associate with deconstructivism. And hulky but I made that one up. The movement is steadily moving under the influence of computer generated design.

In Conclusion: I am old fashioned, outdated and dislike progress, especially if every artistic bugger takes us further from the grand old days of Romanticism. When I look at the artistic “progress” of late  - and clearly this comes from a background of absolutely no technical arty know-how or appreciation (though I am in awe of how the hell those deconstructed buildings stay standing) – I can only ask, “What the hell next?”

My Contemporary Favourites And this is not a blatant plug but a genuine love for these works that have come to my limited attention recently. Thank goodness not everyone is chucking paint willy-nilly, dissecting stuff and assuming that life is pointless.

Underwater 18 by Martine Emdur (Yep Larry's sister)

Procession by Crispin Akerman

Backstage by Angus Douglas

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Brush up on: HOW A DAIRY COW WORKS

Posted on December 3, 2011 by Meg Bignell

I live on a dairy farm but I am far from an authority on this. After nearly 8 years of marriage I still haven’t stayed in the dairy for a whole milking. I know, terrible. But as my husband says – best only one of us smells like cow shit. There are some days though, when the children are sick, the pantry bare and the toilet needs a clean that I consider training up on the farm and job-sharing with Richard.

At the very least I should know exactly how things work around here so that I can at least answer questions with some authority. People who visit us are often fascinated by how it all works and want a bit of a tour, which leaves me looking like a bit of a princess really (I’m a scaredy-cat around electric fences and bulls). Most if it I’ve pieced together but I should get it all down pat (hee hee) once and for all…

Nice to know that girl cows (heifers) are considered superior on dairy farms and treated as such. They are raised and fed on green pasture and sileage (fermented grass crops) until they are old enough to join the herd of milkers. Meantime the blokes (steers, bulls) are sold for beef production or used for breeding.

Cows can’t produce milk until they have given birth (calved) so heifers are bred from about two years old. This is mostly done by artificial insemination (AI), which is performed by a trained practitioner or vet (yep long gloved required). The sperm for AI is sent frozen and bought by catalogue (there are pictures of prize bulls, not little sperms). If the AI fails, the cow will come back into ‘season’ (ovulate) 22 days later and will need to be serviced (shagged) by a bull. OK so I had a few questions at this point:

How do you know she’s back in season and therefore not pregnant (meaning AI didn’t work)? Because the cows will start mounting each other. The one being mounted is in season.

So cows have sort of gay tendencies? I don’t know, that’s not something I’ve thought about.

How do you know they’re mounting each other? We tail paint them, which means we paint their rumps with fluoro paint which rubs off if they’ve been mounted. Well painting your arse with bright paint is one way to attract the fellas I guess – pick me! Pick me!

I really dislike the word mounted. Anyway, the bulls run with the herd for a bit so that they can duff-up the fluoro-arsed ones that AI missed. Then hopefully a large percentage of the herd will be pregnant. They will be taken out for the milking herd (‘dried off’ or ‘rested’) two months before they are due to calve, as their milk production dwindles with gestation.

Once the old girls have calved (about 305 days later), they are sadly separated from their babies a day or so after birth, once the calf has had their dose of colostrum. This allows the mother’s (dam’s) milk to convert quickly to milk suitable for commercial use.

The cow will be milked for about 300 days after calving with her production peaking after around 70 days, when she gets another good old rogering from the AI person or the bull and the cycle begins again…

For grazing dairy cows (as opposed to dairy cows that are kept in barns – in colder climes), this cycle can continue for up to 12 years before their annual milk production drops off to a point no longer profitable. Our oldest cow is 15 years old and has been in the milking herd since 1998. Her name is Clarabell. OK so I made that up.

At her peak, when fed well and kept in good spirits, one dairy cow can produce up to 8,000 litres per year.

Most dairy cows are brought in for milking twice a day – most often very early in the morning and then later in the afternoon. This ensures there is enough grazing time between milkings to optimise production (and justifies the ridiculous working hours).

Productive cows are pretty decent lives. It is sad that they have to be separated from their babies, but it is in everyone’s interests to keep them happy and very well fed, using rotational grazing or stockpiled sileage (fermented grass crops). Our cows are reunited with their daughters once they rejoin the herd at age two, and our bobby calves (boys) are sold to a local beef farmer who raises them on his green pastures for beef production later in their lives.

We have a special contraption at the dairy for them to scratch themselves on – said to calm them and increase milk production. They queue up for it.

A note here about milk prices: We get paid an average of 40c a litre for this dairying madness. This is THE SAME price my husband’s father was paid for his milk 50 years ago. Should we maybe have had a pay rise by now? Anyway, don’t want to get up on a soapbox so will stop right there. Questions now welcome (and corrections, Kirsten!).

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Brush Up On: FINANCE LINGO

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Meg Bignell

Nasdacks and Footsies? Aren’t they some kind of sneaky sexual games you play at drunken parties? Oh hang on, they’re those things they talk about on the news when I’m waiting for the weather to come on so I can know what to wear tomorrow. Financial Indices, that’s what they are.

Financial Indices are groups of stocks that are used to measure stock market performance. People with money smarts (investors) watch them to get a general picture of what’s up (and down) in the stock market. Main ones include:

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is an index of 30 Blue Chip (large, stable) companies in the US. Perhaps the most followed index of all.

The NASDAQ Composite. This is an electronic exchange where trading is computerized. It is generally where most stocks are bought and sold.

The All Ords is the main share index for the Australian Stock Exchange and is based on the performance of 500 major Australian companies.

The FTSE  100 is the share index of the 100 most highly capitalized (or large-cap, just to sound in-the-know) companies listed on the London Stock Exchange.

The S&P ASX 200 is an index of Australian stocks compiled by Standard & Poor’s, a company that researches and analyses stocks and bonds. An alternative index for Australia to the All Ords.

The S&P 500 is a Standard & Poor’s American index containing the stocks of 500 large-cap companies. The difference between this and the Dow is how the values are calculated and the types of companies listed. Some prefer this index as it includes a wider range of industries and represents total market value.

The Nikkei 225 is the market index for the Tokyo Stock Exchange. It is calculated daily by the Nikkei Newspaper.

 

Rightio, maybe I should have another look at what my shares are doing (given that they were a thirtieth birthday present and I don’t even know how many I have). Who knows, maybe I will take so much interest I will buy more. Am I on my way to sensibility? Or extra cents?  If anyone reading this works the stock exchange can you give a beginner a tip? Thx. xx

 

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Brush Up On: ABORIGINAL CULTURE

Posted on September 12, 2011 by Meg Bignell

(Take a seat and have a coffee with this one – or maybe read it in installments – because some bees got in my bonnet – a lot of stingy ones because I got a bit swollen with the issue. Sorry in advance.) 

If I’m underqualified to write anything current-affairsy (i.e. most of this blog) then I am horribly underqualified to write anything at all to do with Aboriginal affairs. So don’t, I hear the Aboriginal community say, not your business and how dare a non-Aboriginal discuss our business with other non-Aboriginals. Fair enough, says I, but I’m going to give it a go anyway so here up front I am sorry if I’m pissing anyone off. And is sort of my business actually, because I live in Australia and as you mob are the Traditional Owners of the place then I am a tenant and all good tenants do their best to understand and respect the beliefs of their landlords. Already you are pissed off at my use of ‘mob’ so I won’t – at least – do that anymore. Phew, this is one egg-shelly topic. But I’ll press on…

It all started when I took my 5 year olds to the Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery. The first exhibits we saw were in the Tasmanian Aboriginal themed room. They were full of questions (the 5 year olds, not the Aboriginals). My son asked why there was an illustration of a man shooting a brown man. I fumbled about with some kind of response involving the brown people living here forever and the white people coming and wanting their land and fighting them for it and how a lot of Aboriginal people were killed. All the Tasmanian ones died, I added as I realised it was my responsibility not to sugar coat it. Then I imagined Michael Mansell’s knickers twisting and further added, the full blooded ones. Then a big sob came out of me and I blubbered and had to press the interactive button near the clap sticks, which was a mistake because clap sticks always make me feel kind of sad. My bewildered children took my hand and dragged me to the stuffed animal room where things were less uncomfortable (if slightly skanky). And with that, the can had popped and the worms came wriggling out right into my conscience, with frontal lobe seats.   

I wanted my children to understand the importance of Aboriginal culture in our country, and to ackowledge what us white people had done not so very long ago. But there was the slight problem of me not knowing enough to confidently begin anyof these passings on, and there is nothing very noble about making shit up. This is why, in the book shop before my Port Douglas family holiday, I bypassed my usual pink-hued holiday reads and picked up a copy of Bruce Chatwin’s ‘Songlines’. I figured that Tropical North Queensland would be a good place to smarten up on Aboriginal culture, as opposed to Tasmania, where there are few touristy Aboriginal interpretation places (and the grumpy lady at the Tasmanian Aboriginal Centre hung up on me when I asked about the people of the South-East where I live). Once in the tropics, I braced myself for some hard work with Mr Chatwin but he had me at hello. He was a pommy dude who came to Australia to extend his life long study of nomads and to ”to try to learn for himself – and not from other men’s books – what a songline was and how it worked.” 

Here’s what Bruce Chatwin taugh me fairly early on:

Dreamtime (or apparently more correctly, Tjukurpa) refers to the time when Aboriginal ancestors sang the world into existence. (My romantic side jumps with joy at the beauty of it but again I see the stern faces of Aboriginals as I make fantasy of their truth). So, at the beginning of time, the spirit or totemic ancestors emerged from the earth. they were half human / half animal or plant and they moved across the barren, bare surface of the newborn land. As they went, they sang the names of elements of the landscape – the trees, the sand hills, rivers, mountains…and as the names were sung, the elements were formed. They sang people into existence too, and animals, water, air, fire, sun, moon and stars. Then, the work-weary spirits sank back into the ground, or rested as rocks, or mounds, trees or other landscape features, all returning to their state of sleep. The spirits that turned into landscape became sacred sites, to be seen only by initiated men.

The Dreaming  The dreamtime continues on as ‘the dreaming’ in the spiritual lives of the Aboriginal people today. Every Aboriginal person has a dreaming; which particular dreaming depends on which dreamtime ancestor or totemic species they are descended from (i.e which ancestor’s footprints were stepped on by their pregnant mother as her baby first kicked, which is known as ‘spirit conception’.). So if an Aboriginal person tells you they have a honey ant dreaming, he means his totem is honey ant or he’s a member of the honey ant clan. Any species can be a dreaming, including plants - and elements too.

Songlines Each totemic ancestor, while travelling and singing the country into existence, was thought to have scattered his song – it’s words and musical notes – along the line of his footprints. These tracks became known as songlines or ‘dreaming tracks’. If descendents know their song, they know their dreaming track and could always find their way across country without trespassing on another’s territory or dreaming. These songlines criss-cross the whole of Australia; some are short, others traverse thousands of kilometres, through language and family groups. In the latter case, the lyrics of the song will change with the language, but the melody and rhythyms are recognisable to anyone with its particular dreaming. The songs are passed through generations without ever changing a word or a note, so that every man will forever know the boundaries of his land and always find his brothers - the people who share his dreaming. Aboriginal people don’t believe country exists until it is seen and sung. And if a land is unsung – if its songs have been forgotten, it is dead land. To allow that to happen is the worst of all possible crimes, the avoidance of which is the central aim of Aboriginal spiritual life.  

Sacred Sites  Each songline is dotted with sacred sites, which are features of the landscape that hold a story of the dreamtime. For instance, a sandhill may be a resting lizard, or a waterhole might be where the lizard drank – or whatever the words or cadence of a song tells you. The distance between sacred sites is made up of stretches of song.

Walkabout To avoid the atrocity of unsung lands, Aboriginal men make ritual journeys, or go walkabout. This is not an excuse for bludging off work but a rite of passage in which adolescent males walk and live in their dreaming country for up to 6 months, unravelling the encrypted meanings of their dreaming tracks, recreating the creation and learning to keep the land the way it was and the way it should be. Older males go walkabout to spread messages between peoples, finding ‘family’ and to trade resources, gifts or ideas. In theory, a man could sing his way across Australia within his own terrirory so long as he knows the right tune. To sing the country over and over is to keep it fresh and alive.

Corroborees or the correct Aboriginal term, Caribberies, are another way the Aboriginal people keep the stories and songs of the Dreaming alive. They are like festivals of dance and song, held at night and commemorating something in the form of a ceremony. They can be public or private depending on the nature of the ceremony. Some, like initiations (where scary things happen to young men, not approriate for me to discuss) - are sacred and open to a select few. Others, like when the Elders decide it is time to sing a Songline in its entirety, can be more open. Musical instruments are used, costumes and body paint to help animate the dreamtime stories.

Aboriginal Elders are the older people, who possess the wisdom, spirit and skills to keep the stories told, the songs sung and the country as it shoud be. They are responsible for the teaching of such knowledge to younger generations, and to make decisions when it comes to their country. In most cases the elders make themselves accessible for consultation.

So this new understanding (which only touches on the complexity of it all) got me wondering about Port Douglas and just whose Songline I had stepped on or crossed (a crime once punishable with a good old spearing), whose traditional ownership I’d imposed my hooligan children on and whether a sleeping cockatoo has been decimated to make way for our hotel and it’s ‘lagoon’ pool (complete with bleached sand imported from Stradbroke Island) by which I have sat my arse and sipped caprioskas (a sugary vodka delight not to be confused with the rummy mojito or Cuban highball).

First up I asked a white digeridoo player at the market, “Do you know who the traditional owners of Port Douglas are?” He looked awkward, shook his head and suggested I ask the boomarang sellers over the way (then he convinced me to buy a CD which I have since found to be a bit shite, sorry dude). The white Boomerang sellers said I shoud go to Mossman Gorge and find out there. It struck me then that I hadn’t seen a single Aboriginal person after 2 days in Port Douglas. And here I was with all my new knowledge, feeling all brainy and respectful and no one to shout out, “Hey fulla, what your dreamin’?” 

I popped into an art gallery selling Aboringinal paintings and the grumpy bloke in there told me the closest clan would be the Kuku Yalangi, but that Port Douglas itself ‘doesn’t have much significance’. Ok so I had a name at last but what does ‘doesn’t have much significance’ mean? Am I holidaying on unsung lands? I left the bloke to his grumps and resorted to my ever-reliable mate Google.

A note about Aboriginal Painting: Bruce Chatwin discovered (and kindly passed on to me) that the aboriginal paintings with all the dots often represent the travels of the totemic ancestors. The artist uses their first and second fingers - representing the footprints of the dreamtime men – to make the double lines of dots. The rest of the story is in the sequence and pattern of dots, the colours and the pictures. So now I can get all righteous and smarmy with the couple in the gallery I overheard saying, “That blue’s not the same blue as the carpet” and imagine shouting at them, “There’s a story in them there dots, bugger your carpet!”

In Google land I found that the land where Port Douglas was settled (by Sugar farmers and Gold miners in 1877) is known to be a meeting place between three Aboriginal groups and is significant in its connections to the wider countries and past Elders. It was a place of judgment, reverence, memorial and diplomacy (so big raspberries to you grumpy-gallery-man). I also found that an ‘Indignenous Cultural Heritage Assessment of Port Douglas’, commissioned in 2009 by the Cairns Coucil recommended that in accordance with the Aboriginal Cultural heritage Act of 2003, interpretive plaques should be placed at Port’s significant sites, including Four Mile Beach, Flagstaff Hill, Rex Smead Park, the Sugar Wharf and at the site of the Sheraton Mirage. 

So with my baby on my back (in the way, I fancied like the wanker that I can be, of the Kuku Yalangi women through the centuries – except maybe they didn’t worry about the colour of their baby carrier matching their attire), I walked to the sites in search of plaques. At Rex Smead park I found that Rex Smead was a port Douglas councillor, not a strapping, muscular warrior of shimmering black (of course not, with a name like Smead). At Four Mile beach I found a sign saying “Jalun - Aboriginal for sea” and that was it. Flagstaff Hill, said to be a sacred site on the Rainbow Python Songline, had nothing but a few real estate signs and some deflated balloons hanging sadly from a ghost gum (deeply symbolic thought I morosly). I went and bought an $8 milkshake (!) and delved into Safari on my I-Phone. Turns out Port Douglas is thought – by the Aboriginal community – to be cursed. They don’t visit there much and surely never buy houses there in case the curse causes sickness. The bad spirits are especially prolific on the South end of the beach and at the Mirage Resort. Evidently good old Skasey dug up a burial site, displaced bones, disgruntled the spirits and then denied everything. He died a pretty horrible death if we are to believe his wheezy claims of illness. And today, the Mirage is a sad, empty shell of a place with beautiful grounds and no one to show them to.  It is about to be redeveloped under new ownership and Kuku Yalanji Elders have approached the new owner to talk about popping up some plaques to ackowledge the burial ground – they say this will put the spirits to rest and help break the curse. They are yet to hear back but jeez , I hope they do. I walked around the place feeling uneasy and won’t rush back. And now my baby has a tummy bug damn you Skase. Bring on the plaques.

I did get some plaque satisfaction when I eventually got to Mossman Gorge. Here, the Kuku Yalanji are well and trully recognised, and all over the place. We passed an Aboriginal settlement, which I passed feeling all hyper-sensitive and songliney. On the Kuku Yalanji cultural tour I was fair bucked off my high horse by an affable, half Irish half Aboriginal tour guide called Rodney who cheerfully told us that the Dutch used rainforest cedar to build boats, and that we should all move forward. 

Sorry Rodney, you almost had me but I’m not convinced; you were doing your job – very well, but the old bloke who gave the bird and a death-stare to a passing car in Mossman was more believable.  

We’ve said sorry to the stolen generations (Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander children removed from their families without evidence of negelct or abuse). We’ve voided Terra Nullius - the idea that there is land that belongs to no one, leaving it open for settlement, which is why the English saw fit to park their arses over here in Australia. And in 1992, thanks to Eddie Mabo from the Torres Straight Islands, Native Title legislation was passed, enabling “the recognition by Australian law that some Indigenous people have rights and interests to their land that come from their traditional laws and customs” (there are now 500 or so native title claims in process).

But the truth is, our Aboriginal people and Torres Straight Islanders (around 2.5% of our population) are living in shamefully poor conditions. Their standard of living, while white Australia is ranked 4th on the UN scale, comes it at 103rd. Unemployment is high, their health is generally shithouse and so is their education. So, while the grand gestures are moving and meaningful, I think we need more than warm fuzzies.

So here, from my high horse (I’m back on it), in my tropical resort thinking vaguely about another mojito and a leg wax, is my sage advice – get stuck right into education, on both sides. We all - Aboriginal people and white Australia alike – need to have a good old look at ourselves. Get Oprah or somebody down here again to give everyone what-for. Put understanding  into the mainstream. Hand out Respect for Aborigional Culture with Who Magazine and Pokemon and embrace each other for goodness sake. I for one, am about to start right now – well in fifteen minutes to be precise – with a facial and massage using traditional Aboriginal tradition and techniques. Then I will read the Rainbow Serpent to my children and maybe have a roo pie for lunch. No one can tell me off for being all talk and no action. Thanks fullas. xx

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